The End of the World?

An interesting phenomenon seems to be occurring during this holiday season that I was unprepared for. Among other things, people are celebrating the end of the calendar year and the beginning of the new one, and some are behaving as though it is the end of the world.

My research tells me this stems from the “Y2K” phenomenon when the calendar year changed from 1999 to 2000, and people feared that their precious technology that ran their lives would be unable to handle the millennium change and revolt. This is of course preposterous, but many still cite religious thought that the end of the year is a time to repent for the End of Days, as they call it.

I can tell you here, with little uncertainty. The god of this world (or whatever higher deity you worship) is very unlikely to bring about a world wide cataclysm when you all most expect it. It is a simple strategy we in military intelligence refer to as, “catching you off guard.” As far as I can tell, there are not battle fleets out there about to wage war on the Earth, either. Trust me, I’ve been looking.

This all being said, enjoy your holiday. You should feel free to celebrate the coming New Year in whatever style suits you, but “partying like there is no tomorrow” may be going a bit far. The world is not going to end.

If for some reason, you all decide to commit mass suicide by waging sudden war around the world, that is your concern, but if there are any alien invasion armies out there—be they Sagittarian, Vegan, or even Martian—I will know about them first.

Holiday Hangover

I now understand the human term “overindulgence.” I have also learned a new term: “hangover.”

My current state is due to my first experience with the Holiday season. My understanding is that the holiday most humans in this region of the world are referring to is Christmas. Christmas is, from my understanding, when humans celebrate the birth of the offspring of the Supreme Being of the universe (or this world, depending on your point of view) who then grew up to save the world by getting nailed to a tree by the conquering Pagan nation, who did not believe in said Supreme Being but several others. The celebration primarily consists of the pagan tradition of presenting and exchanging gifts under a deciduous tree, eating a day-long feast (which seems to me is quite a bit like Thanksgiving), and consuming copious amounts of alcohol.

This research of mine may be incomplete, however, due to two factors. 1) Most of this information I gathered at my neighbor’s Christmas party where the feast and alcohol was served. 2) I am currently recovering from the consumption of that alcohol, which is a quite painful process called a hangover.

The weekend started innocently enough. My sister has off of school for the week because if is closed over the holiday, so I thought this would be an ideal time for us to have what the common parlance calls “family time,” which was in fact my very thin excuse to keep her away from that boyfriend of hers I do not care for. For once, she did not seem to mind, and we spent much of the past several days decorating the house for the season—everyone else on the block seemed to be, so I thought we should fit in—and partaking in the common arts culture of going to the movies.

When I was not avoiding her constant questions about how my date was with April, we saw the sad story of a magical boy on the run, a very enlightening tale of the rise of England’s King George VI, and a surprisingly gripping account a young man who had to cut his own arm off after being trapped under a boulder for five days.

Then on Friday, my always-friendly neighbor queried as to what our plans were for Christmas. Having noticed him taking his family to the local place of worship, I thought it would be safe to explain that Madison and I were not religious. That did not seem to bother him, but he insisted that we go over to his house for Christmas dinner on Saturday.

I was surprised when he insisted that I not bring anything, since he knows of my fondness for cooking. Nonetheless, we arrived early in the afternoon to find a feast that was even bigger than what had been prepared for Thanksgiving. Even more lavish were the decorations—strings of lights, big red bows everywhere, and a ten foot tall pine tree in the center of their living room hung from to bottom with sparkling ornaments.

I honestly do not remember much of the rest of the day. From what I recall his entire family was there, including about a dozen children, all nieces and nephews and cousins, who tore into the gifts under the tree while we ate and drank.

Now, I have enjoyed a glass of wine with a meal on occasion. One thing I have learned from all those cooking shows. However, I have always been very aware not to consume too much alcohol because I am still not sure how it will affect me. I had a glass of wine, and there was an after dinner cognac served, so I felt I could indulge in one glass. What I was not expecting were the chocolates.

My neighbors make these chocolates that I later learned are filled with a most potent bourbon, but having not recognized the taste, I found them delightful. Apparently, the batch was a bit stronger than usual, according to my dear neighbor, but that did not stop me from eating about a dozen of them after dinner. That number is also an estimate based on what Madison later told me. They were so intoxicating that my sister needed help carrying me home.

So, here I am, recovering from my first Christmas. I must admit, it was enjoyable until this recovery process. My sister and I did receive our first Christmas gift from our neighbors, a small artificial tree that sits on the kitchen table. It is a nice decoration.

Also, I do not know what brought this about, but I received a text message from April wishing me a Merry Christmas. I do not know if I did something or if Madison is behind this, but I do not understand human women.

Accidents

For a species that is so enamored with machines as the humans are, they have very little respect for them. I should be fair and note the fact that licenses are required in order to operate most machinery, specifically the automobiles that we are all stuck with as our main methods of transportation around town. However, some people that have received them should not have received licenses to begin with. Perhaps the qualifications for the licenses to not require a rudimentary understanding of physics. That is the only explanation I can think of when a driver of an automobile is surprised when inertia continues to carry the 4,000 pound vehicle forward when road surfaces are slick with rain and the tires cannot find instant traction.

That is my rather technical way of saying what most humans would say as, “The driver in the car behind me skidded into the back of my car at a stop and was too stupid to know why.” I could use more colorful language, but I am slowly becoming used to the local parlances.

I do not drive a great deal as my work is mostly at home, but I do find it a bother. It has been raining quite a bit lately, so the roads are “hazardous” or so they say on the news. Accidents do happen of course, but the sheer disregard of the machine which is being operated and a complete lack of knowledge of the physics behind it does upset me some. It was just me in the car and only the rear bumper needs to be repaired, but my sister could have been in it with me, and the result could have been much worse.

Now comes the task of getting repairs made. This is all handled through a bureaucratic process known as insurance. In my research, I was fortunate to recognize that operating a motor vehicle not only requires a license but insurance on that vehicle. At the time, I considered it to be an unnecessary cost, created by the human need to generate money from unnecessary things, but I am finding it quite useful now. I could have made the repairs myself, which would have been much faster than this process, but the bureaucracies humans put in place fascinate me. I will study this more.

The Dating Experiment

I do not know why I let my sister talk me into these things. I am perfectly adept at observing humans, but engaging in genuine human behavior one-on-one is not an ability I have adapted.

My date with April was not a success by any standards. I did not have great hopes going into it—which my sister said is my problem—but I thought I could successfully get through the dating ritual and pass as human. Fortunately, I do not believe April has any reason to suspect my alien origins, even if she were to believe them to begin with, but I do not think I made a good impression.

My initial idea for this date would be to cook dinner for April, since I have become quite skilled in that area, but Madison insisted that a dinner at my home might be too forward for a first date, so I should take April out to dinner to some neutral location. I therefore chose a local restaurant called Michael’s that has a good selection of cuisine, and I took April there.

April is a lovely human female, I must admit, and quite intelligent. She is a teacher of physics at Madison’s school, and she received her degree at the California Institute of Technology, which is quite an accomplishment from what I understand. This is an area I have quite an interest and knowledge in, of course, and the general protocol in a date is to discuss topics of common interest.

This I failed to do.

I supposed I was concerned that too much talk of technology and education would reveal too much of my own knowledge and origins, which is unlikely, since I have never had trouble covering up such facts with my neighbors. Instead of following this line of conversation, I did not want to talk about myself, so I did what I assumed to be the next logical thing, to talk about her.

April is attractive by most human standards. Physically, she would be quite suitable to mother several children, and she has a very pleasant demeanor. All things, I am told, are quite desirable in a mate. And this is what I based out dinner conversation on. The conversation became less vibrant after that, and April was muted in her responses. I observed these behaviors and assumed there must have been something wrong with the food, which of course there was not, but I requested the waiter bring her something new anyway. She did not eat any of that, though.

It was at this point in the date that I realized that I was perhaps a little too blunt and impersonal in my approach. As I relayed the story later to my sister, she not only agreed, but added that I was being downright rude. “Rude” was not quite the word she used, it was something more profane, but I failed to get a proper definition from her.

The night ended quickly after that. I attempted to apologize for my bluntness, which she politely (if ingenuously) accepted. April continued to be polite for the remainder of the evening until I saw her home. I attempted to salvage the evening by turning the conversation to her education and my interest in science, without being too leading as to my true knowledge of the subject, but the attempt was ineffective.

Consider it a failed experiment. t is too bad really, as I did quite like April, as human females go. I certainly hope it does not affect my sister’s performance in school.

Dating

My sister has been pestering me for almost as long as we have been here to engage in human mating rituals, more commonly known as dating. Therefore, I have finally agreed, perhaps against my better judgment, to go on a date.

The chosen female, whom Madison has vetted herself, is a teacher at her school by the name of April. I have met her once, under the pretense of picking Madison up from school, as I have previously mentioned she was grounded. This was, I became aware, all a rouse by my sister to meet April in attempt to get the two of us to socialize. Being a student of humanity, I was of course intrigued. However, I have the impression that April was more inclined to interact in a friendlier manner.

I have to admit, April is quite attractive for a human, but I wonder how this can go considering I am not in fact human. How can I explain my alien origins to her, and should I? More importantly, what exactly am I supposed to do on this date? My understanding is that coffee or drinks is common. More standard is dinner and a movie.

I do like to cook dinner, but Madison explained to me that the first date should be in a more neutral location. (I suppose this implies there will be a second date at some point.) This date is supposed to be tomorrow night, so we shall see how it goes.

Rain

When I was researching ideal weather conditions for the mission that brought me here, I believed that the southern California region of North America to be the most suitable location. It has a temperate climate, generally sunny and warm for the needs of a human body, whereas most locations have more drastic seasonal change. This also means that while most locations around the northern part of this continent are experiencing a more seasonal snowfall, we get rain.

I realize 70 percent of this planet is covered by water, which is impressive for most planets, but the rainfall here can be quite unpleasant. My sister enjoys it, having never experienced precipitation of any kind before we came here. I find the idea of rainfall appealing. However, rain here is treacherous in a way I could not anticipate.

It seems to change the behavior of most humans, making them disagreeable, irrational and dangerous to be around. They completely forget common principles such as operating machinery in a cautious way on slick surfaces. So much so, I would say, because the larger the vehicles they are driving, the more recklessly they use them. At first I thought that there was perhaps a malfunction in the system whereby the vehicles and roads communicate to each other as to the most efficient transportation speeds and routes, but they are somewhat behind on this technology.

This fact does not stop them from blaming their vehicles for the causes of the accidents that I have witnessed occur. Fortunately, I have not been in any myself, but I shall stay indoors. Hopefully, the unpleasant weather will lift tomorrow.

Also, my sister’s detention is thankfully over. It was only meant to be two weeks, and for both of our sakes, I am glad I set that limit. The weather forcing us to spend so much time together inside has almost become unbearable. Madison has gotten far too human, and I believe I may be as well. Perhaps this weather really is affecting us, but a new week to give us some break from each other’s company will provide some relief.