Diary of a Suburban Alien

No Good Deed

2012-02-21T08:02:00.000-08:00

It has been a week since my last post, and I am glad to report that I am still alive. I am only barely there, but I am alive nonetheless.

Happily, I managed to pull off a successful Valentine’s Day with April. After much worrying, my sister finally too pity on me and reminded me that “girls like flowers.” So I had a dozen red roses delivered to April during the day, and I took her out to a quaint local restaurant for dinner. With all my worrying, I was glad to find that was all April really wanted after all.

We did have a tense moment when she started to see through my indecision. I of course wanted everything to be perfect, so I always prefer a solid plan to last minute decisions, and I think it showed.

Despite my success on Valentine’s Day, I believe the gods of this world (or whatever superstition you would like to choose) have it out for me. Whether it was some bit of food or alcohol or someone I came in contact with, I woke up on Wednesday morning completely incapacitated by illness.

I could go through the long list of unpleasant symptoms I exhibited over the course of the next few days, but the list, as I said, is long. And unpleasant.

The worst part was both April and Madison had school, so I was left on my own for a majority of the days I was home. I will admit that I spent most of this time either in the bathroom or asleep in bed, so there was not much that either of them could have done, but I would have appreciated the moral support.

April later pointed out that this is flu season and something is going around the school. This does not make me feel any better about working within what amounts to a germ farm. I honestly do not know how humans do it. People get these viruses so often that there are seasons for them. If such a thing were a regular occurrence on my home world, a pandemic would be declared and our entire system would be quarantined.

I suppose that is one more advantage humans have should other aliens decide to invade again. Though biological warfare has been outlawed, there can be no preparing for natural contagions in the environment. I am glad I am on their side.

Monday the 13th

2012-02-13T21:24:00.000-08:00

In my recent discussion of human superstition, I learned about the fear of Friday the 13th, but I believe the more accursed day must be today, Monday the 13th, the day before Valentine’s Day.

April has been very anxious (and has therefore been making me very anxious) about our Valentine’s Day plans. I regret to say that I still have no solid plan in place for tomorrow, and it is only a few hours away. It is said that fear can be palpable. This cannot be any more true than when facing the wrath of a woman. April is going to kill me if I do not think of something fast.

To be clear, the phrase “going to kill me” is not used in hyperbole. April knows my true identity and can bring about all manner of harm, some of which I cannot imagine.

If you never hear from me again, you know why.

Modern Warfare

2012-02-06T20:58:00.000-08:00

As you may know, yesterday was the annual occurrence of one of the great cultural touchstones in North American human society, The Super Bowl.

As you may not know, which I was very surprised to learn myself, April hates the Super Bowl. Not only does she not care to watch the sport of football, but she finds the ceremony surrounding the bowl game tedious. This all made for a very awkward Sunday when I assisted my neighbors Charles and Alice in hosting their annual Super Bowl party.

I will admit, I am not familiar with the teams, so I had no investment in who was playing, but I find the cultural event fascinating. The game of football itself is a wonderfully adept interpretation of classical warfare, with one side gaining or losing ground to their opponent until they reach their goal. Also, the social aspect is unparalleled in showing the community and rivalry in human nature. Then, there is the commerce. I do quite enjoy the fuss around all these commercials.

Admittedly, I can understand April’s point about the futility of it all to some degree. I suppose if one does not care for the game, this being a matter of pure taste, that the point of attending a day long event in celebration of that game is meaningless.

Still, this did take away my time from April over the weekend, and I later realized that it has been exactly one year since our first kiss, an anniversary that it apparently quite important to her. Not that it is not meaningless to me as well, but I am not used to marking time in such a way. She has not expressed so, but she seems to be looking for some indication of what my plans to celebrate Valentine’s Day with her are. This I still need to figure out, so I have been attempting to avoid the subject. I am hoping I can come up with something unique in order to surprise her.

Romance is complicated. Football is not.

…and Coffee

2012-01-30T08:16:00.001-08:00

Another thing I have discovered in my further exploration of dessert customs is the varying kinds of coffee. I have always thought that coffee was merely a vehicle for caffeine and a particularly helpful one for morning hangovers. Again, I realize my lack of knowledge.

I had considered coffee to be merely the beverage brewed in a pot by filtering hot water through ground coffee beans. Of course, there are many more methods of brewing that I have not realized until now. The most interesting of which to me is a method called the siphon. It is the physics of coffee at its best, and it makes one great cup off coffee.

I have also come to like a good cappuccino, but I can count on machines for that.

Pie

2012-01-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

I know my way around a kitchen. As many who read this blog will know, since I first arrived, I have been fascinated by human cuisine. I have mainly focused on dinner, the meal of the day often given the most import. However, I have not focused too much on my desserts. That was before I came to discover pie.

Up until recently, I thought of pies as those frozen store-bought crusts in tins filled with fruit from a can. Since I discovered this new pie place that recently opened (to gift credit, April discovered it), I learned I was mistaken. There is so much more to it to get a delicious pie with a fresh crust. The filling is essential, of course, and something like pumpkin pie reacts with the palate completely differently than, say, strawberry rhubarb or banana cream. And I have not yet gotten to the delight that is quiche.

My point here is I may need to reevaluate my plans to open a restaurant of my own with dessert in mind. April tells me there is a world of possibilities to be open to, and she has a very discerning “sweet-tooth."

Blackout

2012-01-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

I need to remind myself to never get into politics. I suppose that point is a moot since I am still “consulting” with the government, but I try to stay out of local problems that do not affect me. My sister, on the other hand, is an impetuous teenager and cannot help herself.

Madison thought it prudent to publicly support, by way of her Facebook page, the protests on Wednesday against these congressional bills SOPA and PIPA, which if I am to be completely honest are incredibly sloppy drafts of legislation, but I did say I am trying to stay out of politics. She is of course outraged along with all the other young people she schools with, and I thought this to be harmless at first. Then, she sought to impose an internet blackout in our home. She claims for her own purposes, but it prevented me from accessing the internet and certain sensitive information for an entire day.

This led to a problem contacting one of the new alien immigrants and subsequently my government contact, which could have caused a two degree shift and a .005 percent drop in angle and efficiency of the interstellar relay, which under the stress of maximum output, had we needed it, could have caused an incident of suspension of diplomatic relations resulting in a declaration of intention to commence hostile defense, which could lead to interplanetary war.

And Hulu was down so I did not get to watch my programs.

Madison was also out all night, and I had to wait for her to return home before I could ascertain the cause of this interruption. She insists it was “no big deal,” but she fails to understand I am trying to stay on the government’s good side if I am ever to get the approval for that restaurant. Also, I was really looking forward to catching up on Fringe.

~~~~~~
Updated by Madison at 2:26 PM

Madison here. Yeah, Carter's little sister. I know I usually stay away from posting, but that doesn't mean I don't read his blog.

Anyway, I think it's pretty clear if you read the above that Carter was blowing things way out of proportion. It was a simple silent protest, and it didn't hurt anyone. And so what if it did get attention, anyone can see that the language in the SOPA and PIPA bills are just plain wrong. Being an alien, which I think my brother needs to be reminded of sometimes, the last thing we need is the government and corporations snooping into our lives.

Besides, that wasn't even what Carter was mad at. He's gotten himself all bent out of shape because I had a date on Wednesday night, and a second date last night. I'm a teenager, it's what we do! My brother isn't in a place to judge considering how his spends his extra-curricular time with April.

Just thought I had the right to defend myself for once. That is all. :)

~~~~~~
Updated by Carter A. at 4:01 PM

Madison is grounded.

Games

2012-01-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

With all of the commotion over the holidays, it has been too long since I got back to the interesting sub-world of gaming. It is the perfect way to “blow off a little steam” after all this news about the world ending, unlucky Fridays, and the stress that comes with working at the same school that one’s girlfriend works at and sister attends. Also, I have not had access to my Playstation lately.

In order to expand my horizons in the gaming world, I got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas, which I was pleased to see my sister enjoy as well. In fact, she enjoys it a little too much so that I have no time to play a game on my own. There is this simulated sports game that Madison loves to play me at because she can consistently beat me. This is something I do not understand. I thought I had gotten the hand-eye coordination down to expertly navigate most video games, but this Wii uses a rudimentary motion control sensor that, to be honest, does not effectively simulate how hard I swing the remote at all. Madison keeps telling me it is not the strength but the skill with which I need to wield the remote. Still, I think she must be cheating somehow, and my arm is getting increasingly sore. Human bodies were not made for simulated action.

However, I managed to coax my sister away from the television for a day. (In all honesty, she is hanging out with her friends today.) And with April correcting school work, I am all to myself and Playstation Online. It has been quite a while since I encountered my old nemesis Morgoth. I must try to seek him out, see if I am as good as I remember.

Also, I have been meaning to explore more around this virtual world the gaming consoles have created. The more I work with the government on deciphering the technology of my homeworld, the more suspicious I am that they are utilizing this online system somehow. It is quite hypnotic, and it seems to cultivate very specific skills.

Perhaps I should recruit some of my newly immigrated colleagues to help investigate.

Friday the 13th

2012-01-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

Human superstition never ceases to amaze me. To be fair, I have become a fan of Halloween, which is quite amusing even when I do not consider its superstitious origins. Then I heard the students today worrying (somewhat mockingly) about it being “Friday the 13^th!"

Today is apparently a very unlucky day. From what I can gather, it all comes down to numerology. Thirteen is supposed to be a very unlucky number, and Friday is (for reasons I still do not understand) the unluckiest of days. As far as I can tell, it has been another Friday like any other.

Still, that did lead me to overhear the other popular superstitious theory, which is that the world is supposed to end this year, according to the Mayan calendar. While I will say as advanced as that old Earth civilization was for its time, even they could run out of space on the calendar, I do wonder if people knew how close this world has come to ending. Invasion aside, one can never tell what space debris or other forces will rain down on the Earth.

On a side note, when it comes to the mathematics of it all, 13 is just a number. I have never observed any luck about it one way or the other.

On another side note, speaking of mathematics, in my further “assistance” with the government, it surprises me how stubborn even Earth scientists can be, especially in their insistence that mathematics is a universal language. While I would agree that a quantity represented by any number, say 10, is universal, but the mathematics of solving an equation based on different systems of calculation are different in confounding ways. Humans think that just because they have ten fingers, which is what their mathematic system is based on, that everyone in the galaxy does, but try telling them that an equation based on 12 and 8 digit mathematical systems translated across languages is easy. The universal translator was not built in a day, you know.

And We Are Back

2012-01-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

One week back at school in my new position, and I am already behind. I should have known. I am an expert in nuclear and quantum physics and interstellar travel, yet the workload of a high school instructor is overwhelming. Then there are the students. I had thought I knew how to get along with them somewhat. I am their teacher and authority in the classroom, but I get the feeling they liked me a lot better when I was just part time.

April is back to being busy, so we now have to schedule time to see each other. I made the mistake of trying to talk to her between classes. Not only was there no time for it and she berated me a little, but the students picked up on it and started teasing us, which also brought about the wrath of my sister.

All in all, this was not my best week. Hopefully, I will be able to catch up to this “normal life” soon.

What Lies Ahead

2012-01-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

Midnight on New Year’s Eve came and went with the usual fanfare and not too much trouble to speak of. My dinner with April (lamb shank and pea soup followed by drilled Amaretto peaches) went off as well as can be. Madison stayed out all night with her very safe and sober friends. We all woke up the next day, and the world was as we left it. Yet, I feel uneasy.

I cannot shake the feeling that there is something waiting for me. With everything suddenly going right, I fear bad news is just around the corner. I know it is completely illogical. My sister would say it is not like me at all. She would probably thrilled that I am starting to worry just like all the other humans.

Still, what was it I heard, that superstition that the world is going to end in 2012? It is merely folklore, of course. I would normally discount such things. Yet, I cannot help the feeling that there is something out there I am not accounting for. Perhaps it is just the unknown future ahead of me that scares me.

The trouble is, one can never tell.

Love

2011-12-31T17:32:00.000-08:00

Even though it is an arbitrary date, the ending of this year and coming of the new year on the calendar has gotten me to reflect upon everything that has happened to me. I have learned a little more about Earth’s governments. I was kidnapped, escaped and reunited with some of my brethren I once thought lost. I discovered the virtual world of video games. I expanded on my knowledge and love of human cuisine. I have discovered the tumultuous world of human mating rituals, and most importantly, I have fallen in love.

When I first came to this world, I did not consider what it would be like to befriend its human inhabitants. I especially did not think in my wildest imagination that I would meet someone like April. She has meant more to me than anyone I have ever met in my life. A year ago, I could not even begin to comprehend the concept of human love, and now I find I cannot live without it.

I do not know what this means for this coming year. April is coming over to spend New Year’s Eve, and I am trying a new recipe out, which will hopefully go well with the celebration that everyone is having.

My sister is going to a party with a couple of her school friends. She assured me that Nick will not be there, which I could not be most pleased about. I am less pleased that she did meet a couple boys on our trip to Big Bear, and she has remained in contact with them. They are high school age, and April assures me it is only natural, but I was just getting used to her ending her relationship with Nick. Madison did promise that she would not get into any trouble at her party. At least, I know where she will be.

So, we are about to ring in the new year. May everyone be as fortunate as I have, and hopefully I will not be party to any attempted interplanetary wars this time.

Winter Wonderland

2011-12-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

Christmas was brilliant! The trip up to Big Bear was exactly what we needed. Despite it being a bit crowded—I keep forgetting how big this holiday is—we all had a blast. It was just the right amount of relaxation and rejuvenation. Also, I have to admit, seeing the snowy mountaintop for the first time was quite beautiful. I can see why people love the winter holiday so much.

My sister spend most of her time on the ski slopes. Our first morning, Madison and I took lessons. April has been skiing before, so she hit the slopes right away. Then, I met up with April later in the day to ski the mountain together while my sister obsessed over the “very cute” instructor. I almost warned her off this guy, but April assured me it was merely a schoolgirl crush and that I should let it be.

Christmas was quite lovely as well. We had the traditional gift exchange followed by goose for dinner. I have never had goose before, so I must look more into how to cook such a bird.

Most importantly, I think my sister and April finally made up, which means that they both made up with me as well. It is nice not seeing them fight. I actually quite like the three of us getting along as we have. It feels for the first time since my sister and I were stranded here like we have a real family.

Hopefully, when we get back to our day to day lives, it will last.

Not Home For the Holidays

2011-12-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

I have had the most brilliant turn of fortune. After a week of insanity dealing with April telling me that I do not appreciate her and that I am the cause of all the stress in her life and my sister telling me that I never listen to her and always cause problems for her, I am getting out of town. More precisely, we are all getting out of town.

Turns out my government friends are not completely useless. For my work “keeping America strong” (I am not sure what it means, but I am not convinced I like it), they have secured me a family getaway for Christmas at the Big Bear Ski Resort.

I had some resistance at first because they only family I could take on this trip would be Madison and April, and neither of them have wanted to spend much time with me lately. However, it seems the reason April has been so stressed lately is because after the “fiasco” that was Thanksgiving, she just could not take another holiday with so many family demands. At the same time, all my sister wanted was to spend some time with me that did not have to do with school or alien immigration or interstellar physics.

Getting out of town was exactly what they both wanted. The best part is, up at Big Bear, if we get sick of each other, there are plenty of things to do on our own. April expressed wanting a day at the spa, and Madison was excited because she has never skied before. In fact, I do not think I have ever rightly seen snow on Earth. I think I will like this Christmas.

About That

2011-12-16T17:24:00.000-08:00

So much for things being better. April is still under stress trying to get her grades in. Madison had a “horrid” week completing all of her work and does not feel confident about her exams. Both April and Madison seem to be blaming each other for the amount of pressure they are under. According to April, Madison waited until the last possible minute to hand in her project, and according to Madison, April asked for too much this semester, a project and an exam. Of course, when they are not blaming each other for their problems, they are both blaming me.

To top that all off, my review at the school went extremely well—better than I ever expected, in fact. You might think that is a good thing. However, they want me to stay on in a more permanent role as the physics instructor. Apparently, my knowledge of the field is unparalleled. This is not something I have the time for, considering how much work I seem to be doing for the government. On the other hand, I could use the money, considering how much work I seem to be doing for the government for free and without credit. I will have to think about it. My other concern is April. She says she wants me to take it, but I feel that will put an even bigger strain on our relationship. Also, I am sure my sister will be further mortified by me being a permanent fixture at the school.

Another thing, this Holiday Season is a pretty big deal. Humans do love their traditions, but it makes the economy quite violent. I do not have the energy to think about any of this. I wish there was some way I could just disappear for a week.

Almost There

2011-12-12T17:21:00.000-08:00

Only one week left of school, at least for Madison. April still needs to turn in grades, and I have my review that will decide if the school is going to keep me on. I have passed many reviews in my time, but this will be the first I will need to pass on human standards. Human standards are tricky.

Whatever happens, with Madison and April nearly done with their heavy stress-inducing workloads, I should be able to look forward to life being a little calmer at the end of the week.

Grades

2011-12-05T23:03:00.000-08:00

I do not seem to be able to get a break. If it is not my sister, it is April.

Madison has been in, to put it mildly, quite the mood lately. I really hoped she would get over that Nick kid much more smoothly. After all, he was not good for her to begin with, then he tried to take advantage of her vulnerabilities. If I did not already promise my sister and the several Earth government that know I exist that I would not vaporize anyone, Nick would be first on the list. But Madison seems to really miss him. She has been quite depressed lately, and she has even let her grades slip, which is not like her at all.

Then, I have April pressuring me for all sorts of reasons. There are Madison’s aforementioned grades. Since April is Madison’s teacher, she has some interest in the matter. To add to that, April keeps reminding me that Madison needs to start looking at colleges to apply to next year. Presumably, my sister’s advanced knowledge of pan-dimensional travel is not even good enough for her resume, even though she was more advanced than most of our own kind on the matter.

April seems to be under enough pressure as it is as we come closer to the end of the school semester. I have also continued to work at the school, so I have my own grades to turn in. April has also been pressing me on some plan for the “holidays.” For me, the holiday was Thanksgiving, but there are all of these end of year holidays that take up so much importance, particularly with family.

Yes, and there is the family element. Even though it was Madison’s idea in the first place that I ask April out, she does not want anything to do with her. I can understand April is Madison’s teacher, but my sister has been downright rude to her lately, which April has taken offense to. April insists she is trying to remain calm and professional when it comes to Madison’s class work, but April seems to be putting all the blame for Madison’s behavior on me, as if I have some control over my teenage sister.

Honestly, I do not understand these human females I am surrounded with. Perhaps Charles is right and I need to find more male friends to balance it all out.

Feasting

2011-11-25T22:43:00.000-08:00

So now my favorite holiday has come to pass, Thanksgiving, the great celebration of food. There are of course the traditional courses according to American culture: turkey, corn, potatoes. I made a modest green bean casserole myself. This was not my most adventuresome nor best dish by any means, though I do like keeping up with local customs. I am also proud to say that I helped greatly with the turkey.

Madison had another fight with Nick, much to my delight, so it was not difficult to convince her to spend Thanksgiving with me at Charles and Alice’s house. I went over early to help prepare the turkey and stuffing, which we did in the traditional manner, that is actually stuffing the bird. Often, stuffing is prepared and baked in a casserole dish, but I prefer this traditional way better. Then, of course was the aforementioned green bean casserole.

The one part of the feast that did not go according to plan was April. This was to be our first Thanksgiving as a couple, so my assumption was that we would be together. In fact, that was her assumption as well. However, I clearly planned something incorrectly because she wanted to spend Thanksgiving Day with her family, and I had already committed to helping Charles. I was perfectly willing to do both, but April did not take too much of a liking to this idea. She did end up spending the day with her parents and sister, and I went from Charles and Alice’s to April’s later in the day, which I thought to be acceptable. Still, April was not pleased with this decision.

I do not know what she expected to do. If I had known that we were supposed to spend all day with her family, I would have planned otherwise, but I had already made a commitment to my neighbors. I could not very well back out on them. My sister said I was being stupid, but she did not expand to much on that statement. She was being quiet again, presumably because of Nick, and I got the impression she did not mind staying too close to home. I also got the impression that Madison was somehow upset with April as well, but I cannot say why. April still is her teacher, so perhaps that has something to do with it.

At least she ate well. Last time she quarreled with Nick, she barely ate for days.

Best Laid Plans

2011-11-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

As you may know, I have a great love of cooking Earth cuisine. With my sister’s heartache last week and with my continuing frustration in getting any kind of funding or support to open my own restaurant, I though it would be a good time to invite some friends over, have a nice feast, and try to cheer up Madison a little. This did not go as planned.

April was of course very supportive as always, but Charles and Alice, my neighbors who are always enthusiastic to take part in a social gathering, were not so willing this time. They said they were too busy preparing for their own annual Thanksgiving feast, which is still two weeks away. To make matters worse, April invited Nick over to dinner, which was not in the plan at all. I suppose this means they have made up and are back together. I still want to kill him, though. He consumed all of my carefully prepared dinner like he was the Ravenous Bloodbeast of Rigel 6. He could not even take the time to savor it. I do not understand at all what my sister sees in him.

At least, I have Thanksgiving to look forward to. Charles asked me to help with a couple of the dishes.

Heartbreak

2011-11-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I really wish I could kill people. Yes, I do understand that is frowned upon in most human societies, which is completely understandable, but I find that when it comes to my sister I am growing a bit of what humans call a temper.

The reason that my sister has been so quiet around me these past few days is not because I disapproved of her Halloween costume. Well, it was not entirely because I disapproved of her Halloween costume. April relayed the story to me since Madison is still not talking to me. The primary reason was because she and Nick, the unworthy ape descendent that she took as a boyfriend, had a big fight on Halloween. From what I could gather, the fight stemmed from their planned events for the evening. Apparently, these events involved alcohol and sexual intercourse!

While Madison has become a bit of an irrational human female in our time here, she has still remained sensible in many important decisions. While she did, against my better advice, have “a drink or two,” I will give her credit in that she denied Nick sex. I could even go so far as to say I felt pride in hearing she made that decision. However, that decision did not have the same reaction from Nick, who is a hormonal teenagers like all other human males his age. He supposedly believed he deserved sex from my sister for “putting up with her” for so long.

When I heard this, April had to restrain me because I was eager to reach for the plasma molecular destabilizer and take care of this Nick fellow once and for all. I never liked him anyway. However, April convinced me that this would only make matters worse. Not only would I be culpable to the murder of an “innocent boy,” but my sister would hate me for it. Even though she wishes him dead, she still seems to love him. This I do not understand. Why would she put up with such disrespect? But April assured me that it is something Madison needs to work out. I should just be her supportive older brother and a shoulder to cry on. So, that is precisely what I have been doing.

There has been a lot of crying, that is for certain. I do not even know if this means Madison and Nick are broken up. I certainly hope so, but I have a sneaking suspicion their relationship is not quite over.

Silence

2011-11-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

Halloween was quite a success, I must say. April decided to dress up as her version of an alien visitor. She claims it was supposed to be scary, but I thought it was the cutest costume I’ve ever seen. That was not the reaction she was hoping to get from me, but I enjoyed how she pouted about it. I probably should not have because she seemed a little mad at one point, but she got over it.

My sister Madison on the other hand is another story. She was wearing something that was, I thought, a little too revealing, so I forced her to add on to it for modesty. She was not happy with me for that one. In fact, I think she is still mad at me. She has been incredibly quiet and has not spoken to me since Halloween. This may be one of those human female emotional responses I have not yet gotten accustomed to, but it is odd, even for Madison. I am sure her silence cannot last long.

Costuming

2011-10-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

It is back to that fun time of year again when a good old alien can be an alien once again. This time, I get to share it with April, who has become obsessed with finding the perfect couples costumes for us. I think she also wants to participate a little more in my “alien heritage,” whatever that means.

I suppose I have spent a lot of time with my alien refugees, trying to integrate them into human society. This Halloween holiday, with the dressing up and fake monsters, is the perfect time to do that, and I am glad April sees that as well. Her interest does concern me to a certain degree because of the danger it presents. I am perfectly comfortable with what see knows, and I no longer fear what she might see or thing of me. However, I am still not sure what the others of my kind would think about April. She is not only just another strange human to them. She is someone special to me, and I don’t think they are ready to accept that.

Still, this Halloween will be fun. I am also hoping my sister will participate in celebrating with some of our people. She loves Halloween, but she has not been as willing to be around our kind much lately.

Magic

2011-10-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

April surprised me with the more wonderful gift this weekend, the gift of magic!

In my mission to study all there is to learn about human culture, I somehow overlooked its extensive paranormal sub-culture. There is a castle in Hollywood dedicated entirely to the art of Magic. They call it, coincidentally enough, The Magic Castle.

I witnessed the most amazing illusions right in front of my eyes. Card tricks, crystal balls disappearing, one magician even guessed a number I thought of (and I think of some tricky numbers). Also, there is something magical about the castle itself. I know much of human legend is made up of mere stories and imagination, but there is definitely some power being harnessed in this place. I think some of my alien refugee friends would fit in well here.

Deals

2011-10-03T14:53:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that humans like to do, it is renegotiate deals. As it seems, the government is not convinced that those Swiss scientists’ results on breaking the speed of light were entirely accurate. Of course, they still want my knowledge on alien technology, including faster than light travel, but it is apparently not worth as much to them as they originally stated. Therefore, this restaurant I have been trying to get out of them is “going on the back burner” as they call it.

I would say I am disappointed, but I am getting used to this. My sister seems to be more disappointed, though I think that means I will have to continue working at her school. She is getting a bit more touchy about me being around, which is surprising considering how happy she was to have me back. I think this must be another one of those female emotions I am still getting used to.

Faster Than Light

2011-09-25T22:06:00.001-07:00

From what I understand, human scientists have succeeded in breaking the speed of light. It has been all over the news. If their discovery is indeed true, even I must admit it is quite the accomplishment for human beings. Of course, it was just neutrinos that supposedly travelled faster than light, not an actual human, but my people have know methods for faster than light travel for centuries, so an accomplishment for humans nonetheless.

On a similar subject, considering humanity's obsession with speed, I have learned of a human phenomenon frustratingly not at the speed of light: human bureaucracy.

As you know, I have been a somewhat reluctant ambassador to the local government given the relatively small influx of refugees from my home world. My only interest, in all honesty, is to continue on my life as an average human. I also have my new goal of becoming a cook and eventually having my own restaurant. I do not ask for much, but I had hoped with all the help I have provided to the government that they would provide some assistance.

That is the other word I learned this week: naiveté.

After some derisive laughter at my request, my contact in the government did propose "a deal" as he called it. He said that he would "consider the request" if I provided him some information on faster than light travel. I suppose there is competition with the Swiss after all. Even though I consider myself a citizen of this world, they still have a long way to come with that research.

I can sense that even if I withdraw my request, they will continue to pressure me for more technological secrets from my world. I suppose I could lie and give them information that will soon be outdated, but I can sense this may be a source of trouble down the line.

The Joy of Food

2011-09-06T21:36:00.001-07:00

As I have come to my first year of writing this blog, which I am reminded I must credit to my sister, I feel the need to reflect on the thing which fascinates me the most about humans. Food.

In my earliest blog entries, I expounded on my love of human cuisine, particularly the barbecue. This past weekend was another time of barbecues in addition to other wonderful food experiences. Knowing my love of food, April treated me to what is known as an "urban food crawl" this past weekend. We live not that far from Los Angeles, so we took the public transit system to downtown, where we joined a walking tour of the area and the most delightful restaurants and eateries.

The process took most of the day, including an hour stop for beer and wine tasting, which was more than adequate to get me inebriated. It reminded me again what wonderful flavors exist in this world. I have decided, the time has finally come for me to accept that my sister and I are indeed stuck here as the local government has told me and to stop my insistence that this blog is for research purposes only. It is time to fully explore this notion of food and cooking on a more regular basis.

I am going to thoroughly study as many of these culinary intricacies as is possible, and should it be possible to acquire the capital, I would like to open up my own restaurant. I have become a decent cook on my own. All I require is a bit more study for sure. How hard could it be?

I also must admit as I start up my current job again at April's school that as knowledgeable I am on every science known to human, I am not good when it comes to interacting with human teenagers. My own sister can attest this and is in fact quite mortified at the prospect of having to take a class I am teaching.

In the meantime, until this new venture of creating a restaurant to cook for, I will continue to learn every delicacy known to man and taste every menu I can find in the local area.

Now that I think about it, refining my palate may require me to do some traveling.

April

2011-09-01T00:29:00.001-07:00

I have said it many times, human females are baffling. April is a girl I have gotten emotionally involved with in a way I never thought possible. She intrigues me, sometimes frustrates me, and always excites me. Of course, April, like all women, is completely unpredictable. This unpredictability is also exciting and frustrating.

Ever since I've been back, April has wanted to spend more time together. I believe the phrase she used was "pick back up where we left off." I was very happy to oblige and return to my normal human routine. This presented a problem, however, because I found that my new duties as alien ambassador to the local government kept interfering with that normalcy, and we both had different ideas of what "pick back up where we left off" meant. For me, it seemed, it was that I was taking April for granted.

I would never insult April in such a way as to truly take her for granted, but as I have explained, I am not good with human emotions, so I can only surmise how it would appear that way. So, my sister, always one to interfere in my business, insisted that I plan a long romantic weekend with April to "recapture the romance" as she said.

I suspect my sister had an ulterior motive in getting me out of the house for the weekend, but in the end, it did not matter. Last weekend was amazing.

With Madison's help, I planned it all out. Romantic dinner, breakfast in bed, day at the beach, a night at the Magic Castle (another topic I will have to cover later, the human concept of magic is interesting), Sunday brunch, and of course shopping. Apparently, I am also still good at the sex. There was quite a bit of that. Well, there was more than normal. Not excessively more. Still, we were good at it.

April, who also reads this blog and sometimes proofreads my words, has just expressed to me that though it is "cute" that I still stumble over explaining sex, I do not need to talk about it so much. There are other places on the internet to go for that sort of thing. So, that is all I am allowed to talk about our sex life. It is good, though. Yes, April confirmed that.

My sister is also asking me to refrain from talking about my sex life. I have since informed her that, in a way, it was all her idea. She did not seem pleased with that retort.

So, Our romantic weekend was a success. I seem to have patched things up with April, and I have every intention of keeping that romance alive. I could not be happier about it. This is the one thing about being human that simultaneously intrigues and baffles me the most. I understand cooking. I can grasp the formulas of ingredients and the pleasure of tasting a good dish. Romance still baffles me. I can say that I do love April. As much as an alien such as myself can understand love, I do.

Of course, now I have friends and colleagues constantly telling me to "lock that down," whatever that means.

The Long Weekend

2011-08-30T00:04:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I hate it when my sister is right. Sometimes she does have some quite valuable insight.

Thanks to some helpful advice and prodding from Madison, I just got back from a long weekend of romance with April. I had forgotten how much work this human romance can be. I had also forgotten how much it can be worth it.

I will describe in more detail the events of our necessary romantic outing later, but I will say now that they were quite successful in reconciling my relationship with April. Surprising both that I had to and that I did not until now realize why.

Human females are still confounding creatures to me.

Damage Control

2011-08-23T23:25:00.001-07:00

I feel the need to apologize for being absent from posting in recent days. I would hate to alarm anyone that would think I have disappeared or been kidnapped again, but I have been dealing with some personal issues.

My sister would like me to stress that these personal issues do not have to do with her.

I have once again come across some friction in my relationship with April. She claims that I have not given her enough attention since my return. I tried to respond calmly to her that I have given her enough attention that the situation allows. I now have this new wave of alien immigrants the local government has tasked me to orient, and I am finally getting used to being back to what most humans would classify as "normal." If anything, I think I should be given a little more attention, considering all I've been through in the past couple months.

April did not take kindly to that response. Therefore, I am doing some damage control on our relationship right now. I certainly want to continue it, and I still have these feelings for her. I am simply unsure what my next step should be. I think I shall plan a romantic weekend for the two of us. Hopefully, that will put things back on track, so to speak.

Fables

2011-08-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

One thing that never ceases to amaze me about earth-kind is your unending ability to tell stories.

I have come to learn that the most common of these stories passed down through the generations are fairy tales--Jack and the Beanstalk, the Big Bad Wolf, and so forth--often changing with each generation. Two weeks ago, when I proceeded with my plan to integrate expatriates of my own world into this one, I thought that a celebration of the strange such as Comic Con in San Diego would be the perfect cover. I also came away with more appreciation for the stories of this world.

I recognized quite a selection with an interest in the extra terrestrial, which did fascinate me, but of the books I picked up, I have become most enamored with a series that incorporates some of your own fairy tales: Fables.

Fables is the story of a community of fairy tale characters living in the real--or as they call it "mundane"--world. I could not help but think of my own situation, attempting to build a community for myself, my sister, and our fellow expatriates and refugees. Well, perhaps we are not as fantastical as these fables characters, but it has gotten me thinking.

Would it be best if we were to all stay together, form a small community here in the suburbs of Southern California to live our own way, hiding away from the trouble of the human world? We certainly have the technology to do so, though we may not have the proper access anymore.

Or should we all go our separate ways and attempt to blend into our surroundings and new neighbors? My sister and I have done that relatively successfully for the past year, I think. Perhaps it should be some happy medium between the two. Time will tell, I suppose.

Still, I do like the notion of living like these fairy tale characters in a strange world that they do not fully understand but which everyone around them takes for granted. I wonder if earth-kind knew about us, if they would look upon us as though we were fables living in their world.

Also, I do quite like the story of these Fables. I wonder how it will turn out.

Among Us

2011-07-28T13:50:00.001-07:00

I had hoped on my return home--to my adopted home, that is--that everything would return to normal. Normal is not something I can ever hope to have again though, not that I ever really knew what that was.

I will admit, there was a certain bliss to the idea that my sister and I were alone on this planet. Now that I know for sure we are not, and the insistence that I be some kind of representative to these scattered lost aliens, life has become much more complicated.

The powers that be thought this past weekend would be an ideal time to ease some of my "alien friends" in with the rest of the human populous in San Diego. I suppose they chose San Diego for two reasons. Firstly, it is close to the U.S. border with neighboring country Mexico, so they apparently friendly with immigrants there. Secondly, this past weekend in San Diego was a convention of human interest known as Comic Con.

As I think more about it now, this cover story did work well in it's simplicity. In crowds of thousands of people, all dressed up as the strangest characters this side of Betelgeuse, no one is going to notice some strangely acting aliens. That is what they are all expecting, after all.

I cannot say what the other alien immigrants must have thought. Speaking for myself, I have gotten used to the bizarre and exhibitionist nature of humans, though the others may have assumed the convention center was some kind of intergalactic train depot. I must admit, I did feel as though we fit in better there than in regular suburban life sometimes.

I brought both Madison and April down with me to San Diego, and we all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. It was the first time I remember being able to enjoy myself openly for quite a long time. I even discovered some new video games that I may add to my inventory. Also, I was pleasantly surprised by how many humans seem to peacefully accept the notion of extra-terrestrial life and cultures living among them, even if it is only pretend to them.

As for my people, getting them into earth culture was quite easy there. Many opportunities presented themselves for social gatherings and the consumption of alcohol. It was a "party weekend" from what I understand, and no matter how strange and alien they seemed to behave, there were plenty of other humans that behaved even more strangely.

The rest of the week has been a little more tedious, giving identities and homes and jobs to my fellow expatriates. It will be a slow road ahead to building some little community to feel like out homeworld, but I am confident we can succeed. I have to, otherwise I fear the government may threaten us with death. Some of my peers have also discovered online gaming, so we will have many things to keep us occupied.

The Return, Part 3

2011-07-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

Madison here. My brother has gotten a bit long-winded, as he usually does, so of course he needs me to finish off this tale of how he caused Carmageddon. Yeah, I’m still a little mad at him for causing me to worry the past couple months, but that’s just how he is.

So, Carter got himself kidnapped by the Contingency Team that for some reason intended to invade Earth. There’s a lot I never knew about out mission to Earth, but I’m sure we were never meant to live here. The fact that I came along was a bit of a fluke. I had no one to look after me except for my brother, so I had to follow him. I suppose he must have known I would be able to adapt to Earth culture more quickly than him. He also clearly knew that I would be able to figure out whatever emergency protocol he put together should something happen to him.

As much of a cold, calculating bore he can be sometimes, I do love the guy, so I was more than worried when he went missing. Once Douglas and I cracked that message that came through Carter’s satellite radio, it didn’t take me long to figure out that it was from the invading team and that my brother had to have been the “priority asset” they had captured, so I had to find a way to get him back.

I knew Douglas would be a big help. Even though it was a risk that Carter would probably not have approved, I had to tell him the truth, or at least some of it. He helped with all the computer stuff. And April was amazing. She had been so concerned since Carter disappeared, so we were there for each other with moral support. Plus, and I knew Carter would appreciate this, she helped keep up the rouse that Carter was somehow around and she was my adult supervisor. That didn't really help things with Nick, but I could never tell him anything about who were are really. He can be great and all, but he just couldn't understand what was going on. But he did help with one thing, he let me borrow his car.

By myself, I have no idea how I could have found Carter, even with the help of my friends. But I had one unexpected ally. I can only guess it was someone Carter had filled in with the plan because the next thing I knew, this freeway closure plan came together. It started with those odd posts, occasional messages. Then, as if automatically, the Bad Wolf protocol was initiated. This was some inside joke my brother came up with, but it did what it was designed to do. It caused chaos.

I can only assume we got help from someone. I want to hope that it was the Prince, just because I kinda want a VIP pass to his next concert, but that might be hoping for too much. Whoever it was, it clued me into Carter's government contact, and Carter had kept him pretty tightly under wraps from me. Good thing, too, because that's how we figured out that the invaders were using the I-405 construction as a cover. The whole construction and shut down that had been crippling the Los Angeles County traffic system was all a very sly brand of psychological terrorism. I shouldn't have been surprised. It's the exact kind of weird thing my brother would have come up with. Yet, it was working.

Then, the miracle happened. The city somehow came together with the closing of the freeway. The agents got the word out, the people of southern California stayed home, and the roads were empty for two days. This was just enough time for the rescue plan.

The invaders' plan was to destroy the freeway system during the shutdown, but when we showed up, they didn't have an escape plan. All the entrances and exits were closed, and they had nowhere to go. Luckily, the government agents surprised and distracted the invaders just long enough for me to find Carter--or I should say, for him to find me.

The jerk. He said he had it under control the whole time. Apparently, he convinced the rogue aliens of his expertise in the computer networks of Earth, so they needed him to control the various traffic cameras and signals, and whatever else he promised them to complete their evil plan. Instead, he used his access as a way to warn the city government. So, in the chaos, with the help of Nick's car, I was able to rescue him, and escape before any more government agents showed up.

As for the rogue invaders, who knows what the government is doing to them. Carter says he's been in contact with them, but won't reveal any more than that. So, he is slowly going back to his old enigmatic ways. I made sure the first thing he did as soon as he got home was to see April. She had been so worried, and they were both so relieved at their reunion. Carter was actually a sweet guy for once. I guess they have a lot to talk about now.

And I guess that brings us about up to speed. Carter is home. The world is safe. Everything is back to normal. Except for one thing.

Apparently, during Carter's time with the rogues, he discovered more of our kind than just Prince living down here. Carter's government contact asked us to be some kind of embassy for them. Yes, I said "us"! Including me!! Well, I guess all we have to do is meet these stray aliens and try to show them how to be human. If it's anything like teaching Carter, this is going to take a long time.

And here I was hoping to have the rest of the summer off.

The Return, Part 2

2011-07-19T00:19:00.001-07:00

Where was I? Yes, I was explaining about how exactly my kidnapping led to the shutdown of a major California roadway and an unseasonably peaceful weekend.

As you may have read, all of my troubles began three months ago, at the end of April when Prince held audience in town. The musical artist you know as Prince is in fact a real prince in the royal house of my home world. His presence on Earth appeared to be benign in nature, but since his presence here was a surprise to me, I thought it might be a good idea to investigate further into others of our kind living on this planet. As I undertook this action, I knew I would have to be even stealthier than I was trained for, since it could attract all sorts of danger. Then, there was the matter of April.

Against my better judgment, I agreed to more than one date with April, who is one of my sister’s instructors at the local school, and we became quickly involved. It was never my intention, but I somehow developed feelings for April. I soon came to the decision that I could no longer keep my true identity secret from her. Telling her where I came from could put her in danger, but I knew that her not knowing and understanding the truth could endanger her more. As much personal trouble as it caused, she was at least prepared for what happened next.

As best as I have been able to determine, I was not the only one who decided to look further into the presence of Prince. When I began to quietly investigate Prince and those around him, I thought I had to be careful to arouse suspicion from those I was investigating. I had not anticipated that there would be a third party with an altogether different motive. The others that were keeping their eyes on Prince were former comrades I thought had been long gone after the mission that brought me and my sister here had failed. They were part of the invasion force.

First, you must understand, my mission was never part of any kind of invasion. Our team was to study and attempt to assimilate ourselves into human culture in attempt to understand and eventually ally ourselves with the inhabitants of Earth. However, should our mission prove that no such alliance was possible, the contingency was to be prepared if humans were too dangerous to our existence. No real invasion in such terms was planned. Unfortunately, the contingency team took matters into their own hands.

What I have since learned is that the accident that doomed the craft that was meant to bring us all to Earth was in fact no accident at all. It was an attack, meant to frame Earthlings for a act of war that was a complete fabrication.

Needless to say, my presence here, along with the Prince, jeopardized this particular plan, and I discovered it just too late. They could not touch the Prince, but due to my blog, they needed to silence me and it, and quickly. This also meant my sister was in danger of becoming their target as well.

I acted quickly to lock out my blog so they could not touch it, and I only hoped that Madison would be able to figure it out. Fortunately, I knew her friend Douglas would be able to figure something out. He was already beginning to suspect something about us, so he would be a useful ally. Luckily, they were able to pick up on my hidden codes and messages when my protocol was initiated.

Then, I would just need time. Time for my sister to figure it all out and try to contact those who would be able to help us. That time would take two months, but it culminated in the best lie the local government could come up with.

More on that in the next part…

The Return, Part 1

2011-07-17T23:53:00.001-07:00

“How hard could it be?” As the saying goes, famous last words.

Carter here. Yes, I am finally back. For reasons that are far too difficult to explain succinctly but will hopefully become clear later, I had to go “off the grid” for a while. Of course, when I say “I had to” I mean I was forced. I must apologize to my dear sister of course and to April, who must have gone through as much emotional turmoil during my absence, which was unfortunately against my free will.

I will attempt to best explain what happened to me, which is quite a tale, so I will publish the posts over the next three days. In order to understand everything that has happened over the past two months, it is best to explain it in reverse, starting the reacquisition of this blog.

It may not seem like much, but I have been reestablished by orders from ranking government officials. I have now been commissioned a kind of ambassadorship of my people here on earth. While the government has been monitoring my actions including this blog from the beginning, they have only recently come to see the value in having an advanced alien intelligence as an ally. Of course, my sister is laughing at me right now as I refer to myself as said intelligence, but what do earth governments know. (I am also sure any government agents out there monitoring this blog have a sense of humor, which I am attempting to develop. Ha.)

So, once the government saw the usefulness of a direct, friendly forum with aliens (yes, I did say aliens with an emphasis on the plural, but more on that later), they needed a plan to get control of it. Unfortunately for them, I was detained. Thank goodness, my sister came through.

As I will explain further in Part 2, the reason for my disappearance was because I had been kidnapped by others of my own kind. Having already established that our Prince was living among humans for some time, I was prepared for this encounter, which is why I had set up my emergency protocols in a way only my sister could access them.

Back when Madison convinced me to write this blog about my life on Earth, I knew there would be more than a little risk. Yes, the government knew exactly where I was, so that was hardly a mystery, and I had established that humans will pretty much except and dismiss everything without a thought, so most would think my internet ramblings were pure entertainment. Most of the rest would be relatively benign, and any small danger from humans, I thought I had accounted for. No, it was my own alien race that I worried about reading this blog. If they were to discover it, not knowing I was alive and trying to contact them, in the wrong eyes, I would be seen as a threat exposing our ways and plans to out intended targets. (Again, more on that later.)

So, when I was "kidnapped" as you humans say, I had already set up my simple internet blog with more than the simple user password, so it shut down. It was an automated time lock that would track my whereabouts. So, I knew that when my sister, who was the only one possibly able to get into my computer, finally established contact, it would lead her right to me. Fortunately, I had also counted on the government discovering this blog was a trans-galactic communications device, so they would have an interest in helping my sister get it all back.

From what Madison tells me, the government, your government then came up with a foolproof plan to hack into my own system, shut down a major communications and shipping lane, infiltrate the alien team that had kidnapped me, and somehow in the end come out with no human casualties and getting me out alive.

It was a success, I must admit. I am here after all. I am not sure how much stealth was actually involved compared to the gullibility of the residents of Southern California. You may have heard of the cover story they used for the chaos that was my prison break.

They called it CARMAGEDDON.

A rather pedestrian code-name if you ask me, but then American English is not my first language. But “How could it go wrong?” they said. Well, I will explain exactly how in the next part...

405

2011-07-16T00:00:00.001-07:00

>>>LINE ESTABLISHED>>>

REBOOT initialized...shutdown accepted.

Carter here. Communications to be silenced. 53 hour window.

Do no harm...

Bad Wolf

2011-07-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

SYSTEM REBOOT...

Protocol BAD WOLF initiated...
...
...1B3B3...
...
REBOOT...

Madison here. I don't have much time. Carter is alive. That's all I can say for now. Having to scramble and reset the blog to maintain security. This old protocol doesn't make any sense, but my brother was always a little odd with his Earth references. After six weeks of this, he never said how hard it would be maintaining our cover story. All I can say for now is things are going down.

If only I can get to my brother first...

...END OF LINE...

Danger

2011-05-21T15:58:00.001-07:00

It has been almost two weeks and still no sign of Carter. This has turned into more than just my brother getting himself into trouble. If he was hurt or killed, we would have heard something by now, so something is up.

April has been great. We quietly put the word out to those that we can trust, otherwise
I have tried to maintain business as normal. “My brother is out of town on business” is the line I’ve been giving. Of course, Nick has been incorrigible. He wants to throw a party since my brother is gone, but I can’t tell him why I’m in no mood for a party. He can be sweet and all, but I know he just won’t be able to handle the truth. It’s made him reasonably angry, and he unfairly took it out on Douglas, who I think I can trust enough to confide in. So, as you can guess, my lovelife has been turning into a bit of a mess, and I was annoyed at Carter up till now. Now, I am worried.

I’m trying to step up the search. Carter will lecture me once this is over, I’m sure, but I thought it might be time to notify the authorities. After all, the government supposedly knows we are here. I didn’t know how to go about talking to the right people, but I figured Carter must have left some way for me to bypass the protocols without him. He was ridiculously thorough.

Douglas and I tried breaking into my brother’s safe in the garage, and that’s when it hit me. His car. Since he got his new car, he has been modifying it. I thought he was just improving on the human technology of the engine, but when Douglas looked at it, I could tell from his reaction that it was definitely beyond anything he expected in a car. My brother has been using the new car to build our alien technology. So, I turned it on.

That’s when I got the message.

The satellite radio that was installed in the car was modified to be a communication device back to our homeworld. It didn’t work properly, I could tell. I think that’s why Carter didn’t tell me about it yet. But it definitely connected to someone. I didn’t realize it at first, but the satellite station it picked up was all Prince music. I remembered what Carter told me about our Prince being on this planet. I had hoped he had gone to see him for us to meet back with our people again. As I adjusted the satellite radio controls, I found a message coming in. I was relieved at first. I was sure it was Carter. It was not.

I don’t know who it was. I don’t know if the person or being on the other end could hear me as I hear them, but the message was clear as can be:

“Danger. Mission compromised. Retrieve priority assets. Disavow and liquidate all others.”

We are in more trouble than I thought. Brother, if you are out there, I'm coming to find you.

Carter is Missing

2011-05-16T22:55:00.001-07:00

This is Madison, Carter's sister. Of course, you know by now those are not our real names, but let's just go with it. If you've been following this blog, my brother has probably spilled a little about me, so no this is not some childish human prank. My brother is missing.

Last I saw him was last week. He was scared of something.I can't go into the details right now, but for the sake of communication, if he does turn up or if anyone has seen him, I decided to keep this blog running instead of shutting it down.

I thought he'd gone to patch up things with April since he was stupid enough to tell her all about us, but she has not seen him since Friday. There is some superstition around Friday the 13th, but I think that was some kind of cover. I told Douglas as much as I thought he needed to know, since he has a good mind. Rick, I think I'll keep in the dark a little while longer. Douglas thought I should shut this site down. He has too many conspiracy theories in his head, but at least he's thinking in the right direction. And he helped me crack the password to this blog and engineer a couple new security protocols. I should be able to trust him for now.

I will keep posting with updates as I get them, but if anyone knows anything about where my brother is, please contact me.

-Madison

Do No Harm

2011-05-15T23:00:00.001-07:00

Protocol DWR66 initiated.

Absence detected, priority one. This is not a drill. Follow protocol.

Do no harm...

Don't Panic

2011-05-13T00:00:00.001-07:00

UPDATE: [5/15/11 5:04 PM]
Something isn't right. No one has seen my brother since Friday. I had assumed he planned a long weekend away to fix things up with April, but she hasn't heard from him. This isn't like him at all, and this previous post is suspicious. It is written too casually and brief, and if anyone likes to talk, it's my brother.

April is worried about him, and I can't blame her based on their last conversation. I'll check the protocols. If it was important, he would not have left without a trail I could find.

Posted by Madison A. at 5:04 PM

~~~~~

I'll be down for a short period of time, but don't worry, it's all routine. Just a few hiccups in the system and smoothing out some personal matters. I'll be back to blogging shortly.

Coming Clean

2011-05-08T15:00:00.001-07:00

I am not sure I understand the term "coming clean" because it implies that whatever secret or truth one has been holding back is dirty and therefore divulging it can only be clean and healthy. While telling the truth is the right thing to do, it rarely clean.

I finally told April the truth, the truth about where Madison and I came from, the existence of aliens living among humans, as much as I could until she made me stop. I was worried about the Prince's presence here, particularly when my sister and her friends (including her boyfriend) got tickets to his concert. While I have come to believe he is here in peace, the implication that other of my kind, including royalty, poses too much of a threat. I love April. Yes, that is right, I love her. I may not fully understand what that human emotion truly means, but after our argument last week, I believe she deserves to know the truth, even if I knew it would get messy.

I am not sure how to describe her reaction. At first, she did not believe me, as I suspected, and though I was telling some kind of joke. As I insisted, she still did not believe me and got angry, as if I was making up some elaborate lie in order to break up with her or something. Of course, this could not be farther from the truth, so I determined that the only way she would believe me is I showed her this blog, the remains of our transport that I have salvaged for parts, and the "ray guns" as she called them. Then, she got scared.

She became even more insistent that I am a liar, disgusted about my true identity. At least she believes me. She wanted reassurance that we came in peace. I could tell her that was my intention as an observer, but I could not tell her for sure about the rest of the planned mission or the visitors here now. I supposed I could have lied to ease her fears, but I did not want to keep lying. I honestly do not know if she is going to tell anyone else. I would think not, I hope not, but regardless she has really stopped talking to me now. I do not know what to do.

Madison told me I am crazy for revealing all this, even as I pointed out to my sister that it was her idea for me to start this blog. Unfortunately, even she does not know how I can convince April to talk to me, or even believe me again, and she is the expert on human behavior.

I may have made a mistake.

The Dog House

2011-05-01T17:00:00.001-07:00

April and I got into our first significant argument as a couple yesterday, and as a result I am what is metaphorically known as "in the dog house." At least I think I'm getting that right.

The argument began because I forgot about our anniversary date. I was apparently supposed to plan romantic dinner an other such pleasantries, which I am normally happy to do, but I did not know it was expected of me at this moment. I realize now I should have known why, but I made things worse by saying I did not know I was supposed to do such a thing. As an attempt to explain my absentmindedness in the expectations and rituals of romance, I said that I had other important things on my mind.

I know now this was an even worse thing for me to say. In my partial defense, I did not say I had more important things on my mind, just other, but that point is moot. While we were on the subject, April finally confronted me with the facts that she knows very little about me and my past, and outside of being an instructor to my sister, she wants to know more about me and my family. This, exacerbated by the fact that I think it might still be too dangerous to tell her at the moment, has resulted in her cutting off communication and refusing to answer my calls.

I am now using every piece of knowledge I have on the art of romance to think of a way to make it up to her. This mostly involves consulting my sister, though she seems to think I deserve the punishment I am getting.

Again, this is not an excuse, but as a footnote it is worth noting that the "other" important thing that was weighing on my mind at the time began as a result of the Prince being in town. I was initially put at ease by his generous performance among the oblivious human populous. However, the thought has been gnawing at me that if he has been on Earth all this time, and we have seemingly been unaware of each other, who might else be here?

Then, I decided to ease my mind by finding my old nemesis Morgoth and challenging him to combat in the online world of Call of Duty. That is when I discovered that the Playstation Network was down, supposedly due to a security breach. It is still down. I realize this may be the result of too much assumption, but when that occurred, I became sure that some nefarious business was occurring.

So, this is where I come to the crossroads. Do I attempt to further investigate the arrival of the Prince, the disruption in service of the online Playstation Network, and any other possible contact this world has had with my kind? All of which, could expose both me and my sister, not to mention any humans we are connected to, to possible danger.

Or do I forget about all that and just try to make amends with April? And do I tell her the truth, which could also put her in danger?

Or do I sit back and hope that all of this blows over because there may not be any danger at all?

No, I think I must do something, starting with making it up to April.

An Audience With The Prince

2011-04-23T16:19:00.001-07:00

I had forgotten what a commanding presence the Prince was. He held audience with several thousand humans last night, and each one of them, including myself, was drawn to his power. The genius of his presence here is, he is hiding in plain sight. He is know to all humans here as simply Prince.

Yes, that is correct, the lost prince of my homeworld is the music artist the people of Earth also refer to as Prince. From my best impressions, he is continuing on as he always has, enjoying the attention that his royalty brings and giving his subjects exactly what they want. I never knew him personally--I was too young when I left the homeworld--but I always liked him. Part of me still wonders if he would recognize me or others of our kind if we met, but best I can tell, I do not think he would care. He was never the world conquering kind of ruler, and he was well know for loving music and the arts, which is why it was not so shocking all those rotations ago when he left the royal house and disappeared.

Still, a part of me wonders why he chose to come here. Was it some great coincidence? Certainly, he is able to have the best of all possible worlds here, enjoying his royalty and entertaining the masses. April certainly enjoyed the performance as anyone. I am thankful that I have not been compelled to explain everything to her yet.

April does want to be more part of my private life on a daily basis. I will have to explain more to her soon. Also, if the Prince is here, and Madison and I are here, who else could be living their lives among the humans without anyone else noticing? Whether the Prince is involved or not, perhaps there is some other agenda playing out that I have not yet considered.

Tonight, The Prince

2011-04-22T10:34:00.001-07:00

The visitor, our Prince, is holding audience tonight, and somehow April acquired tickets to attend. My sister wants to attend as well, but I told her she must stay home until I can determine the situation. I do not know if the Prince will recognize us, or if he is even looking for us. I am hoping the situation is safe for April considering it is an audience for humans who are none the wiser.

It has been a long time since I have seen the Prince, so I hope his intentions are benign. If not, April will deserve a lot of explaining from me very quickly.

Visitor

2011-04-19T23:17:00.001-07:00

A visitor has arrived in town. I never fathomed that I would see him again.

As unlikely as it seems, his presence was brought to my attention by a friend of April, who of course would not know his true identity. He has recently arrived in Los Angeles and has gone so far as to openly declare himself as royalty, fitting that he is a prince on our homeworld. It is so unlikely, I am not completely sure I am correct in guessing his identity, but all signs point to it. I have spent most of the weekend attempting to confirm my suspicions. Fortunately, April has been out of town for the weekend while I investigate.

His disguise is so audacious, no one could possibly expect him to be anything but human. Why would an alien being draw so much attention to himself? Nevertheless, I must find out for sure. I wonder how long he has been here, and if he is still acting on behalf of the homeworld, if he is still in contact with them at all.

Who is this Captain EO?

2011-04-10T12:35:00.001-07:00

One of the advantages of taking residence in southern California, aside from the weather, is being in close proximity to any number of cultural hotspots. The new location I have added to my list is a place called Disneyland.

The subject came up when April told me fond stories of her childhood, and she expressed how growing up in the region she always cherished the times her family would go to this amusement park in Anaheim. When I admitted that I had yet to go to Disneyland, she was so shocked, she forced me to plan a day trip down there. An interesting place, considering it is a replication of various cultural eras and touchstones of this world. The most intriguing to me was the land of tomorrow, as it was not at all what my perception of human space travel and future science has come to be. Much of it was quite ludicrous, like the rotating building that showed off much useless or outdated technology, at least as far as I could tell. The most surprising to me was a 3-D musical film about a man called Captain EO.

You may recognize this as a character famously portrayed by the late pop star Michael Jackson, who I am not particularly familiar with, but I feel that I must. I know I have come across this Captain EO in the past. He and his crew are all to familiar. I served with a captain in the mercenary legion that had such a reputation and crew of misfits as well as a very peculiar, very powerful weapon against adversaries made up of music and sound. It was a secret weapon used successfully in our defense of the colony on Sirius Major. What I wonder is how anyone on this planet could know about that, and who this Michael Jackson really was?

Nemesis, and Allies

2011-04-03T22:35:00.001-07:00

I seem to have swayed both Madison and April over to my side. My sister finally came to terms with her grounding and decided to spend some of her new found time by taking an interest in the Playstation. I would not go quite so far as to say that she has forgiven me for being so hard on her, but at least we seem to be interacting again.

After some time trying to kill my avatar in Call of Duty, Madison finally came around when she encountered Morgoth. My nemesis then became her nemesis as well as he pulled every trick in the book to kill her. She was then instrumental in bringing Madison around to playing the game as well so that we could all team up to defeat this mysterious player that calls himself Morgoth.

I must say, my sister is even more obsessed with defeating my nemesis than I was. She has gone so far as to insist we more thoroughly investigate Morgoth's real identity so that we might set a trap for him. As human as my sister has become lately, I did not think she could be so cunning. How I love the women in my life.

Still Grounded

2011-03-27T12:34:00.001-07:00

Just when I thought I was a successful disciplinarian, Madison decided to do something rash like sneaking out again. I really do not know what to do with her sometimes. I thought I had made it clear that this Nick fellow she is insistent on seeing is not an adequate mate for her.

She does not follow this advice and openly defies it, claiming she is not looking for a “mate” and that Nick is “a perfectly nice guy” and I just do not understand him. My sister says I am a hypocrite because I am dating her teacher and I do not understand anything about love. I may not understand it, but I know enough to know that the connection I have with April is something special. Nick is a hormonal human teenager that could not begin to comprehend who Madison is.

Madison said if I felt that way, then would I be willing to tell April the truth about where we came from. Of course, I could not do that, not because I do not think April would understand, but because I think she would, and that information is too dangerous for her to know.

Regardless, my sister is still forbidden from seeing Nick until she can control her emotions.

Timpano

2011-03-19T21:49:00.001-07:00

My night of fine cuisine has arrived. Thanks to my neighbors and April getting the word out, the invited guests are all bringing appropriate dishes for the occasion. I am in charge of the main course, and it has taken me much of the day to prepare, for today I am undertaking Timpano, a baked pasta dish filled with only the Earth's tastiest ingredients.

Prep time completed around 12:05pm. Guests are set to arrive at 7:00pm, which means with baking and cooling time for the Timpano, it needs to go in the oven at 4:00pm.

At approximately 2:40pm, I went into a panic as I needed to make an emergency run to the store for a cooking thermometer. April was very sweet and kept me calm. Madison, who continues to be angry at me for grounding her for seeing Nick, spent much of her time tasting the ingredients, which of course through my measurements off.

Then, at 4:04pm with the pans filled and the oven preheated, the Timpano went in. More correctly, two Timpanos went in as it turned out I had enough ingredients after all. Madison continued eating the rest.

At 6:00pm the Timpano emerged from the oven and began to cool. I would not know until guests arrived.

Finally, at approximately 7:19pm guests began arriving and the feast was magnificent. I was more pleased with the turnout than I thought I would be. I knew very few of these people, most of them friends of April or of my neighbors Charles and Alice, and there were a few co-workers from school. I came to realize, outside of the few humans I am compelled to interact with on a regular basis, I have not made the effort that my sister has to really get to know people. My sister is of course, the most important part of my life, and I am growing to love April. I have even come to appreciate my neighbors. It feels good to have friends. I think it is time I stopped hiding in my safe, familiar home all the time. It is not only possible but most likely that Madison and I will never go home. We are citizens of this planet now, and it is time I started acting like it.

Gourmet Night

2011-03-14T23:12:00.001-07:00

I admit, I have been hiding too much lately. April and I had our first real fight. She of course cannot understand the reason for me staying home and keeping my head down, but apparently that explanation is not good enough. Humans are far to curious. Human females, doubly so.

In attempt to be a little more social, April has convinced me to take my interest in cuisine and host a dinner party. The convincing was more along the lines of deciding for me because she already invited my neighbors Charles and Alice, who took the liberty of inviting everyone else they knew. I must admit, this is an unconventional but brilliant way to maintain my low profile. However, it will cut into my gaming due to the amount of planning it will take.

Morgoth will have to wait. Good cuisine is more important than vendetta.

Nemesis, revisited

2011-03-10T22:51:00.001-08:00

After the near disaster the other day, I have decided it is safer to spend more time in the anonymous world of online gaming. Thus, I have returned to my old nemesis, morgoth6977.

Morgoth has gotten cocky, and I was able to return to the Call of Duty arena and best him with a sneak attack while he thought it safe to act as a sniper from afar. Classic case of tunnel vision. He could not see my attack coming. He of course knows to expect me now, but that makes the game all the better. I admit, there is something primal about the challenge of the hunt.

Unfortunately, I have paid so much attention to Morgoth, I did not give as much to April. Females here can sense that. I do no know how, but she knows when my attention is not fully on her. I attempted to explain my game, but that made her angry. I could not possibly explain to her my need to keep a low profile after the events of the other day. In attempt to appease her, I did agree to lessen my time in online games, though I do sneak in some time.

This balancing act that relationships require is difficult. It is a wonder that humans reproduce at the rate they do.

Grounded. Forever

2011-03-05T22:19:00.001-08:00

I now have an understanding of the phrase "too much information." My sister has been a little too curious about my relationship with April. At first, I believed it to be genuine concern, and it has progressed into Madison, I believe the term is, "busting my chops."

Madison does have a better understanding of human emotion than I do, and she has pointed out the potential for error in my relationship with April. So, it is for only these matters of emotion that I turn to my younger sister for advice, but she has turned to teasing me relentlessly, particularly on the matter of my relationship progressing to sex. I of course understand at least that much protocol in discussing human emotions and will not discuss the matter. Then, Madison lets it slip. She is having sex, as well! She is having sex with Nick!

I have come dangerously close to breaking mission protocol on few occasions, but this time, I do not understand what emotions must have overcome my senses. I felt the urge to breaking the seal on the plasma weapons locker and disintegrating Nick into his base atomic particles.

I had gotten so far as opening the locker and charging the death ray when Madison finally stopped me. Well, truth be told, it was not just Madison. Douglas was there as well. He came over to discuss a school assignment with Madison and he saw me with the plasma ray. Fortunately, he had fair warning from Madison, or my training might have lead me to disintegrate him, too. I did fire a stray shot that destroyed my mailbox. It too the two of them to restrain me and calm me down.

After I agreed not to de-atomize, particle-shift, or otherwise harm her boyfriend, my sister had a good laugh about it. She thought it was sweet that I was finally acting like a brother and defending her honor. At least, she was pleased until I grounded her.

I do not know how long this will last, but I am thinking forever. Not only am I concerned about this boy Nick having his way with my sister, but we have revealed ourselves to Douglas. He has seen our advanced technology. I do not know what he understands of the situation, but we have to proceed as if the cat is out of the bag. I like Douglas. He is a smart boy, but it is dangerous for him to know who we are. It is more dangerous that others could have potentially known.

Emotions appear to be affecting me more lately. I must be careful not to further compromise ourselves.

Sex

2011-02-27T21:56:00.001-08:00

As it turns out, human heterosexual intercourse is quite fun.

I do not seem to be too bad at it either. At least, April assuaged my fears that I would be unable to satisfy her due to my lack of experience. The physical stamina required is more intense than I had originally thought. My limited research into mating customs on both the internet and the Discovery Channel were mere precursors to the base knowledge of the act. As it happens, much is dependent on instincts and chemistry, and apparently we have chemistry.

As the ritual suggests, we did have a lovely dinner along with entertaining and intellectually stimulating conversation. When the moment arrived, I attempted to explain my inexperience, but April was quite understanding. She seems almost surprised, but I believe I did well, and we enjoyed ourselves. I could go on in more detail about the night, but I suspect it would be bad protocol to speak so openly of an intimate moment such this. I am sure April does not know about this blog, and I have not considered explaining my true origins to her, though I feel I must do so at some point in the near future. I may not have as good a grasp on human emotions as my sister does, but I believe I am falling in love with April.

Human Mating Rituals

2011-02-26T13:04:00.001-08:00

To my dismay, I was reminded what I had missed from my research into human dating, specifically how to proceed with my relationship with April. Sex.

I researched and understand the concept of human procreation, of course, and I was aware that intercourse is a key element to mating rituals. However, somehow I failed to make that connection to my own situation. Also, I have no idea what I am doing. I never thought I would be in my own human mating ritual. I like April, and I am certain she likes me, but I am not equipped to know what she expects or wants. The kissing, I understand, but what else do I do? How am I supposed to proceed? I am seeing her again tonight, so I must find a proper solution quickly.

I may be in trouble.

The Dating Experiment, continued

2011-02-21T13:04:00.001-08:00

I was right to say I would not be able to post for a while. Fortunately, I did not die like I hoped I would. My date night with April went much better to plan than I expected. So much so, that I am a bit confused as to how I should be feeling, but I do feel good. I feel better than good in fact. I have experienced a measurable increase in my levels of pheromones and vasopressin, a chemical reaction leading to an emotional attachment commonly known among humans, from my understanding, as love.

I hesitate to use the word "love" since I am new to the concept, and humans have a tendency too often to use hyperbole. Madison is also teasing me quite incessantly about it. I had a very enjoyable date with April, and I have grown quite fond of her.

Perhaps it is the magic of Saint Valentine that everyone has been talking about, but I was caught up in the evening I had planned for April. I took her to a lovely place called Micheli's, which serves Italian cuisine and features performers who sing songs in the style of an opera. The atmosphere was quite lovely, I must admit, and the meal was excellent. We also drank quite a bit of wine. What is the connection with alcohol consumption and revealing human emotions? I must get to the bottom of that.

Before we had even received dessert, April kissed me again. This kiss was different than the one we shared before. There was something softer, more tender about it. I hesitate to go into much detail, for I think it is somewhat rude to describe such personal moments, but I am a scientist after all and this is why I am here.

No, that is an unfair statement. My initial attraction to April was one of curiosity as I wished to learn more about the interactions between the males and females of the human race. Now, I feel a more personal attraction.

In fact, the night was so lovely, neither of us wanted it to end, and she invited me back to her place for a short period of time. We stayed up late into the night talking about all manner of subjects. I learned about her life history growing up in Valencia, how she had always strived to become a teacher, even her taste in literature. Apparently, she is very fond of a series of books set in a dystopian future in which children are forced once a year to compete in a ritual by which they all have to kill each other. This must be a fascinating work, but I find it somewhat ironic considering her love of children.

Saturday night ended when we were both tired enough and I thought it appropriate to leave her to rest for the night. I got the impression there was some missing part of my plan for the evening that was not thought out because something was bothering me, and April certainly seemed disappointed when I left. The nagging feeling was so great that I called her the very next day, which my research tells me is not at all what I should have done, but I was glad I did it. April was overjoyed to hear from me, and we ended up spending much of the day together. We saw a movie, which chronicled the rise to fame of a young pop singer, and found a quaint little coffee shop where we talked for hours.

We spent much time together over the weekend and on the day of Saint Valentine, which I found to be an odd occasion for romance, but April seemed to like it. We have even seen more of each other during this past week, though we do work at the same school. I have spent so much time with April, I have realized I did not pay much attention to my sister this week. I thought she might be worried about me, but she seems to enjoy this more than I am. That makes me somewhat suspicious, but Madison ensures me that she is happy for me. She did say that she hoped I was not "rushing into" anything with April. I am not sure what she could mean by that, but surely there is nothing wrong with two people enjoying each others company as much as we do. We spent much of this past weekend together as well, and I could not be happier. I do need to make sure it does not affect my work, though.

I am worried about one thing. I still have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I am forgetting a critical part of my research in human interaction. April seems to be just as happy as I am as I attempt to follow the protocol for a growing relationship, but I hope I have not left something out.

Revolution

2011-02-12T17:04:00.001-08:00

For the most part, I am amused by most of the day to day dealings of mankind. Perhaps it is also the region of this planet I have chosen to inhabit, but most humans regularly concern themselves with trivial matters of greed or vanity. I am not oblivious to the greater political concerns of this world, and I recognize conflict, real conflict, on a daily basis. Then, something comes along that is so altering to the political climate and people of a region as a revolution.

I have come to learn much about Egypt in the past few weeks as I have studied both its current as well as ancient history. Much can be said of a civilization that has been around as long at the recorded history of Earth can remember, and I will keep much of this for my files should I ever get a chance to report about it back home. When an uprising occurs in a nation, by whatever free peoples or military or political force, more often than not, it is a destructive, anarchic mess.

I will admit, in my learnings of human history and behavior, I had thought and feared that the unrest of the last 18 days in Egypt would lead to a bloody coup or bloody failed coup and would only cause more destruction in a region that has a precarious balance between peace and war. There was violence, of course, and that should be noted and not forgotten. Still, I am pleased and proud of my adopted world that in the face of an oppressive government, the people of a nation can gain the power to take down this government through protest and ideas.

I have studied the fall of governments many times first hand. It is what I do. I can only be wary of my own people, who had thought this planet far to violent to deal with in a peaceful way. Perhaps this news will get out into the universe and prove the worth of humankind. My only hope for the people of Egypt and for the world is that this transition of power to the new government there be a peaceful one.

POSTSCRIPT: On a more personal subject, if I am lucky, this will be my last post because I will have died before tonight. I took my sister's advice and asked April to dinner again before the dreaded holiday known as Saint Valentine's Day arrives. I am taking her out tonight unless death or some more world-altering news spares me from doing so.

I May Be In Trouble

2011-02-09T22:32:00.001-08:00

My sister put it rather colloquially: "You're screwed."

Madison first brought up this sentiment on Sunday, and I did not understand it at the time. I was attempting to decipher the cultural meaning to the Super Bowl. As usual, our good neighbors Charles and Alice (primarily Charles in this case) invited us to their annual Super Bowl party. Not having much of a grasp on the subculture of football, I wondered if this would involve needed to cook a very large bowl of soup. Quite the opposite, the food at this party was most disappointing, constituting mainly of chips and dip, and they insisted I not cook anything. I wish I had.

I have one short observation about this game which I must learn more about. In deconstructing the rules of football, I came to understand the visceral need for a sport. For a society advanced enough to conduct its wars primarily through machinery, and a combination of automation, strategically distanced command centers, and elite ground troops, yet not advanced enough to do away with war completely, there is a certain satisfaction with seeing a field of play be overtaken and reclaimed or conquered, keeping with the ancient methods of honorable combat.

I may discuss more on the game later, but my primary concern now is Madison's assertion that I am "screwed." As I explained, I was distracted by the game when she first pointed this out, and she has become much more insistent as the week has progressed. She refers to my situation with April, who is not only her teacher but my current coworker at the high school. After our unintended romantic interlude, I have not had much time to consider how to proceed, but Madison insists no matter what I do, I am doomed to misstep. The reason being that in a few short days is Valentine's Day.

This holiday, which I had assumed was manufactured to better market chocolates and jewelry, is apparently taken quite seriously by romantic-minded individuals, which would be most humans. I did not consider that April would be one of these romantics, nor did I consider that I might have to act carefully around such a precarious holiday, lest hearts be broken, which if I have learned anything of my study of the ancient gods of this world, is the quickest way to a long war that no matter of football could cure.

I did intend to ask April out on another date, since our first date was such a disaster, and now that we have kissed, it may play out differently, but Madison thought at date on the week leading up to Valentine's Day would be too romantic far too early in the relationship.

Then, I considered not doing anything, waiting it out until such an appropriate time that the shadow of this dreaded holiday passes. Madison said doing nothing would be an even worse idea. I would be downright insulting.

As the saying goes, I am damned if I do and damned if I do not. I must admit, the kiss April and I shared caught me off guard. I do not know how I feel toward her, but I do like and respect her, and I did like that kiss. I do not know what to do. Even my sister admits she is stumped, but I must come up with a strategy quickly. The longer I wait before taking action, the closer I am to the date of the holiday, the 14th of February, and the more importance will be placed on this action.

If there was ever a time for the fleet of the homeworld to arrive and rescue me, now would be it. The red battle fleets of Mars would even be welcome. Intergalactic war is easier than human romance.

The Dating Experiment (Revisited)

2011-02-05T17:41:00.001-08:00

Human emotions are confusing. Human females doubly so.

I had thought after our embarrassing date that April would not care to have anything to do with me. Yet, she has been incredibly helpful in light of the recent problems that have arisen with Madison's behavior. Even when April arranged to help find me a job at the school, I had initially assumed it was still in the interest of professional courtesy. Then, she kissed me.

Looking back, I may have been more to blame than I suspected. As thanks for her help with my sister and securing my new job, I thought it would be appropriate to make her dinner. I invited her over last night and served up a simple recipe I discovered for lamb and risotto. A dry red wine is best served with this particular meal, so of course that was my pairing.

We may have had too much to drink during the meal, and we both became much more relaxed. I found my own faculties to be dulled somewhat, though I was enjoying April's company as we conversed in the most mundane of small talk. I believe the term is flirting. As I have said, April is attractive for an earth woman.

The night lasted much later than I had anticipated, and I did not notice until Madison came home much later than she was supposed to initially. Even she was surprised to see April and I still there, though I detected a hint of a smile on her face. I was unsure what it was in reference to at that moment. Then, both April and I thought that would be an appropriate time for our evening to end. I did the courteous thing and walked her to her car. That is when she kissed me.

I was surprised, but I did not resist at all. I was unsure how I should have reacted. I know I enjoyed it. The emotional reaction was pleasant and unexpected. Now, I am still not sure what appropriate action I should take now. I am not even sure what it is I am feeling at the moment. I will see April again this week, and I would like to see her again socially.

I wonder if this scenario is programmed into all humans so that they can react appropriately, or if everyone is just as confused as to what to do next.

Nemesis

2011-01-30T21:39:00.001-08:00

Though my new additional job is temporary, it requires that I interact with the youth of this culture. In attempt to better understand them, I am exploring alternate methods of research into this subculture, and based on conversations I have overheard from some of the more apt students of science in my classroom, I am investigating the world of online gaming.

This new path of research has required that I invest a good deal of time playing a video game called "Call of Duty," which my understanding has it is how the peace-loving youth of this world avoid military service by experiencing it in a virtual way.

I have spent many hours over the weekend playing this game, and I have discovered a community of "online gamers" as they are called. One member of this community is an enigma to me and has become a bane to my enjoyment of this form of interaction. This human, who goes by the alias "morgoth6977," has repeatedly been responsible for killing my own avatar in this online game. This is quite a nuisance. No matter how I plan my moves, wherever I hide my avatar in wait for him, this Morgoth character always bests me. I have taken it as a personal vendetta to discover his weaknesses. Even in a virtual world, I find it hard to believe that a gamer could play so flawlessly.

Madison says I have become obsessed and am playing too much. She has been spending too much time on her own, communicating via online instant messaging with this boyfriend of hers that I have forbidden her from seeing, so she is not in a place to judge. I may be playing for long periods of time, but I only just found this new avenue of research, I tell her, so I much "take a crash course" as they say to play catch up. That, and my nemesis must be destroyed.

New Job

2011-01-26T22:37:00.001-08:00

Since the acquisition of my new automobile, I have had a need for a second source of income. I implored Madison to find an after school part time job, which is common for most of her peers, and she appears to be taking the search somewhat seriously, though she has not found anything yet.

In the meantime, Madison's teacher April became aware of my need for a new job and recruited me to become a substitute teacher for the school district. This is strange for many reasons--that I do not have the proper credentials to be teaching on this planet, much less this school district; I did not think April knew of my aptitude for science, which they have a short supply of teachers for; and for reasons beyond my comprehension, April is still talking to me after out disastrous date, my one and only venture into the mating rituals of the planet.

Yet, here I am, now drafted to mold the minds of this world's youth, part time. Knowing the material to teach is not the hard part. My first assignment was a two day job teaching rudimentary algebra. Since I could solve algebraic equations while barely conscious, the understanding of the material is not the problem. It saddens me that most students do not care enough to listen to their regular teachers, and to my further dismay, their enthusiasm is even less toward a temporary teacher, whom they believe has no authority over them.

I solicited advice from April on the subject, and she insisted I need to be more engaging in my lectures. What could be more engaging than a straight-forward mathematical equation? Do they not understand these are the foundation for a technologically advanced society, if they are ever to be competitive once they reach adulthood and are thrust into the workforce? I would think that should be motivation enough. Perhaps not. I am scheduled to return next week, so perhaps I can come up with a lesson plan that would be more entertaining to these youth, since entertainment is the only thing they seem to respond to.

New Car

2011-01-23T13:48:00.001-08:00

Due to unfortunate recent events, I have had to invest in a new car. I quite liked the old one. I do not drive too much--Madison will most likely end up using it more, though I have forbidden her from driving for some time after this past accident—so I do not as much in a car, just that it be sturdy and efficient. Honestly, it surprised me that these polluting travel pods are the best, common mode of transportation that humans have come up with, but the urban infrastructure seems to demand it.

The new car is, as my sister calls it, “more fun” than the old one. It has above average gas economy, interior comfort and features like a clear sound system and navigation that make driving more enjoyable, and it looks “pretty.” On top of the standard features that this automobile came with, I have decided to add some modifications of my own. Of course, I may be cheating using some of my own native technology, but I think I can make it much more fuel efficient than it already is. It also may be a good idea, if my sister decides to rebel again, to be able to control it remotely. We had living machines back home, though it may be difficult to build the computing power necessary to give an earth vehicle sentience, but a simple enough program may be able to imitate at least human intelligence. I suppose I could also find a way to make it fly, but given the native environment, that may not be the best of ideas.

I was fortunate to get a good deal on this new automobile, but I still need to pay it off, so I have been looking for additional means of income. April has told me that the high school may have need for substitute teachers or other extra curricular help that I may be able to fill due to my aptitude for science. I do not know how she learned of these skills, as they are something I wish to keep quiet, but I suspect Madison is behind it.

Two Weeks

2011-01-16T15:59:00.001-08:00

I have been away from the blog recently, as I have had to maintain radio silence for the past two weeks. Some complications have come up in our stay here on earth.

Madison’s accident with the car was the beginning of it. As it turns out, my sister was not the one operating the car when it was in the accident. The person driving was my sister’s boyfriend. She was obviously attempting to cover for him, and for reasons that are unclear to me, so was Douglas. Though he was not with Madison and her friends, Douglas was the first person she called, and he helped fabricate the lie.

The accident brought about two things that have since endangered my sister and me. Firstly, this accident coupled with the previous minor accident I was involved in created some complications with the insurance company that I did not anticipate. My forging of our information to prove that we are freeborn citizens of earth and not alien was complex, allowing me to “grandfather” in our insurance credentials. This should have easily held up under scrutiny from the first accident, particularly since the other party was at fault.

However, the second accident, which I had initially thought was caused by my sister who was on the insurance policy, brought up some questions about our history and the specifics of the automobile that were not easily answerable. When it came out that it was not in fact Madison but this boy Nick, I feared that his parents’ insurance company would have to get involved, which would complicate matters even more. My sister begged me not to tell them, even though I had a lot of explaining to do.

As I have previously stated, certain levels of the higher government are aware of our presence here, and they have allowed us to remain undisturbed as long as we behave as average citizens. This is an unspoken agreement reached with a bureaucratic entity that has far better things to do than to keep watch on two insignificant beings that pose no threat or advantage to them by our existence here. That also means that, they cannot bother themselves to worry about simple insurance disputes, so I cannot expect any relief except what I can get out of myself. Contrary to what they say in the movies, I have no “friends at the top.”

I was required to do some quick thinking and quicker talking in order to resolve the matter before any inquiries became dangerously closer. The higher government and the average citizen may either be too bothered or too ignorant to care, but I have to hand it to corporations. They think nothing of the bottom line, and can perceive a threat relatively quickly.

Therefore, I was inclined to agree with my sister and cover for her boyfriend both his parents and the insurance companies. Fortunately, I had the foresight when planning this mission, even before it went horribly awry, to anticipate the need in this region of the world for what they call liquid assets. In addition to our identities, I was able to forge a bank account with a rather significant cash and savings surplus, which I am using to pay off the damage and the insurance companies. As I said, they think nothing of the bottom line. As long as they get paid, they will ask no more questions. Of course, our car is totaled, so I will need to use most of the reserves I had anticipated to purchase a new automobile. I do not believe I will have the proper global access to forge a new “grandfathered” account, so I may have to find a new job in addition to my copywriting duties to pay the bills, but that is a problem I will have to address when I need to. I must first attempt to address the second matter I mentioned that is threatening our existence here.

My sister has become an irrational, uncontrollable teenager.

I fear Madison may be too troubled to be able to keep up this charade. My first clues were with this new boyfriend of hers, Nick. They spend far too much time together, and she is not at all behaving logical, particularly when it comes to him. Her class work and grades have been sub-par, and she has even been successful in manipulating the people around her to do whatever she wishes, myself included.

After almost pulling her out for fear of needing to leave this life behind, I allowed Madison to return to school this week as scheduled. I spoke to her teacher April, who has also described a slight drop in her grades, though she described it as being less significant that I described it. April seems to think I am being to hard on my sister, but how can I explain to her that Madison should be getting perfect grades in every class she attends because her mental capacity is 50% greater than the smartest human adults? April did agree that Madison may be going through a tough time adjusting to a new neighborhood and new school, so I promised that I would be supportive and she promised that she would keep an eye on her performance for me.

I did not specifically bring up my concern that I may have to pull Madison out of this school, but it remains in my mind. It may have been better to school her at home than allow her to attend a public school with other human teenagers, despite my initial intention that she learn as much about human culture as possible, and not only for her own good. Her involvement with her boyfriend could be endangering him in ways that I have not anticipated. This accident is a perfect example. Also, there is Douglas to think about. I have come to trust him to a degree, but it disturbs me that Madison was able to manipulate him so easily. Douglas could be suffering some harm I am as yet unaware of, or he could knowingly or not bring about some damage if he learns too much about us.

I will monitor the situation closely.

My Sister Killed The Car

2011-01-04T21:49:00.001-08:00

The new calendar year may not have come with the end of the world, but it may as well have for my sister. New Year's Eve was a disaster.

The evening began with Madison asking to borrow the car, which was recently fixed up from its bumper damage from a couple weeks ago. She said she needed it for her and her friends to go out to a New Year's Eve party. Not having any particular social need to celebrate the chance of the calendar year, I decided to stay home and view the international commotion on the television.

This all made for a rather pleasant evening. I cooked some risotto at home, watched the ceremony called the Ball Drop, then went to sleep.

Then, I got the call around 2:00 in the morning, that Madison was involved in a car accident. She and her friends had been at a New Year's Eve party where they had been consuming alcohol. My sister knows better and refused to drink, but she should have come straight home. On her way home, she said she was having too much fun and was distracted by her friend, and she ran the car into a tree.

I can only be glad that Madison is all right, as are the rest of the friends that were with her, though I am forbidding her to associate with such people. I am most disappointed in Douglas. He had volunteered to look after my sister for me, so he was the one that called, but I thought he would be able to stop her before then. The boyfriend that my sister has been seeing was apparently at the party, but he was not involved in the accident.

My sister was scared enough by the incident, I do not see the need to ground her, but she is going to have to get some kind of after-school job in order to pay for the car. It is undrivable. This means I will have to come up with some other mode of transportation until I can find a suitable replacement.

I must say, I am surprised to say how little anger I feel at the situation my sister got herself into. I am more relieved, happy even to know that she is alive and safe. I find these human emotions confusing sometimes.

The End of the World?

2010-12-30T13:35:00.002-08:00

An interesting phenomenon seems to be occurring during this holiday season that I was unprepared for. Among other things, people are celebrating the end of the calendar year and the beginning of the new one, and some are behaving as though it is the end of the world.

My research tells me this stems from the “Y2K” phenomenon when the calendar year changed from 1999 to 2000, and people feared that their precious technology that ran their lives would be unable to handle the millennium change and revolt. This is of course preposterous, but many still cite religious thought that the end of the year is a time to repent for the End of Days, as they call it.

I can tell you here, with little uncertainty. The god of this world (or whatever higher deity you worship) is very unlikely to bring about a world wide cataclysm when you all most expect it. It is a simple strategy we in military intelligence refer to as, “catching you off guard.” As far as I can tell, there are not battle fleets out there about to wage war on the Earth, either. Trust me, I’ve been looking.

This all being said, enjoy your holiday. You should feel free to celebrate the coming New Year in whatever style suits you, but “partying like there is no tomorrow” may be going a bit far. The world is not going to end.

If for some reason, you all decide to commit mass suicide by waging sudden war around the world, that is your concern, but if there are any alien invasion armies out there—be they Sagittarian, Vegan, or even Martian—I will know about them first.

Holiday Hangover

2010-12-26T13:36:00.001-08:00

I now understand the human term “overindulgence.” I have also learned a new term: “hangover.”

My current state is due to my first experience with the Holiday season. My understanding is that the holiday most humans in this region of the world are referring to is Christmas. Christmas is, from my understanding, when humans celebrate the birth of the offspring of the Supreme Being of the universe (or this world, depending on your point of view) who then grew up to save the world by getting nailed to a tree by the conquering Pagan nation, who did not believe in said Supreme Being but several others. The celebration primarily consists of the pagan tradition of presenting and exchanging gifts under a deciduous tree, eating a day-long feast (which seems to me is quite a bit like Thanksgiving), and consuming copious amounts of alcohol.

This research of mine may be incomplete, however, due to two factors. 1) Most of this information I gathered at my neighbor’s Christmas party where the feast and alcohol was served. 2) I am currently recovering from the consumption of that alcohol, which is a quite painful process called a hangover.

The weekend started innocently enough. My sister has off of school for the week because if is closed over the holiday, so I thought this would be an ideal time for us to have what the common parlance calls “family time,” which was in fact my very thin excuse to keep her away from that boyfriend of hers I do not care for. For once, she did not seem to mind, and we spent much of the past several days decorating the house for the season—everyone else on the block seemed to be, so I thought we should fit in—and partaking in the common arts culture of going to the movies.

When I was not avoiding her constant questions about how my date was with April, we saw the sad story of a magical boy on the run, a very enlightening tale of the rise of England’s King George VI, and a surprisingly gripping account a young man who had to cut his own arm off after being trapped under a boulder for five days.

Then on Friday, my always-friendly neighbor queried as to what our plans were for Christmas. Having noticed him taking his family to the local place of worship, I thought it would be safe to explain that Madison and I were not religious. That did not seem to bother him, but he insisted that we go over to his house for Christmas dinner on Saturday.

I was surprised when he insisted that I not bring anything, since he knows of my fondness for cooking. Nonetheless, we arrived early in the afternoon to find a feast that was even bigger than what had been prepared for Thanksgiving. Even more lavish were the decorations—strings of lights, big red bows everywhere, and a ten foot tall pine tree in the center of their living room hung from to bottom with sparkling ornaments.

I honestly do not remember much of the rest of the day. From what I recall his entire family was there, including about a dozen children, all nieces and nephews and cousins, who tore into the gifts under the tree while we ate and drank.

Now, I have enjoyed a glass of wine with a meal on occasion. One thing I have learned from all those cooking shows. However, I have always been very aware not to consume too much alcohol because I am still not sure how it will affect me. I had a glass of wine, and there was an after dinner cognac served, so I felt I could indulge in one glass. What I was not expecting were the chocolates.

My neighbors make these chocolates that I later learned are filled with a most potent bourbon, but having not recognized the taste, I found them delightful. Apparently, the batch was a bit stronger than usual, according to my dear neighbor, but that did not stop me from eating about a dozen of them after dinner. That number is also an estimate based on what Madison later told me. They were so intoxicating that my sister needed help carrying me home.

So, here I am, recovering from my first Christmas. I must admit, it was enjoyable until this recovery process. My sister and I did receive our first Christmas gift from our neighbors, a small artificial tree that sits on the kitchen table. It is a nice decoration.

Also, I do not know what brought this about, but I received a text message from April wishing me a Merry Christmas. I do not know if I did something or if Madison is behind this, but I do not understand human women.

Accidents

2010-12-23T14:36:00.001-08:00

For a species that is so enamored with machines as the humans are, they have very little respect for them. I should be fair and note the fact that licenses are required in order to operate most machinery, specifically the automobiles that we are all stuck with as our main methods of transportation around town. However, some people that have received them should not have received licenses to begin with. Perhaps the qualifications for the licenses to not require a rudimentary understanding of physics. That is the only explanation I can think of when a driver of an automobile is surprised when inertia continues to carry the 4,000 pound vehicle forward when road surfaces are slick with rain and the tires cannot find instant traction.

That is my rather technical way of saying what most humans would say as, “The driver in the car behind me skidded into the back of my car at a stop and was too stupid to know why.” I could use more colorful language, but I am slowly becoming used to the local parlances.

I do not drive a great deal as my work is mostly at home, but I do find it a bother. It has been raining quite a bit lately, so the roads are “hazardous” or so they say on the news. Accidents do happen of course, but the sheer disregard of the machine which is being operated and a complete lack of knowledge of the physics behind it does upset me some. It was just me in the car and only the rear bumper needs to be repaired, but my sister could have been in it with me, and the result could have been much worse.

Now comes the task of getting repairs made. This is all handled through a bureaucratic process known as insurance. In my research, I was fortunate to recognize that operating a motor vehicle not only requires a license but insurance on that vehicle. At the time, I considered it to be an unnecessary cost, created by the human need to generate money from unnecessary things, but I am finding it quite useful now. I could have made the repairs myself, which would have been much faster than this process, but the bureaucracies humans put in place fascinate me. I will study this more.

The Dating Experiment

2010-12-18T14:14:00.001-08:00

I do not know why I let my sister talk me into these things. I am perfectly adept at observing humans, but engaging in genuine human behavior one-on-one is not an ability I have adapted.

My date with April was not a success by any standards. I did not have great hopes going into it—which my sister said is my problem—but I thought I could successfully get through the dating ritual and pass as human. Fortunately, I do not believe April has any reason to suspect my alien origins, even if she were to believe them to begin with, but I do not think I made a good impression.

My initial idea for this date would be to cook dinner for April, since I have become quite skilled in that area, but Madison insisted that a dinner at my home might be too forward for a first date, so I should take April out to dinner to some neutral location. I therefore chose a local restaurant called Michael’s that has a good selection of cuisine, and I took April there.

April is a lovely human female, I must admit, and quite intelligent. She is a teacher of physics at Madison’s school, and she received her degree at the California Institute of Technology, which is quite an accomplishment from what I understand. This is an area I have quite an interest and knowledge in, of course, and the general protocol in a date is to discuss topics of common interest.

This I failed to do.

I supposed I was concerned that too much talk of technology and education would reveal too much of my own knowledge and origins, which is unlikely, since I have never had trouble covering up such facts with my neighbors. Instead of following this line of conversation, I did not want to talk about myself, so I did what I assumed to be the next logical thing, to talk about her.

April is attractive by most human standards. Physically, she would be quite suitable to mother several children, and she has a very pleasant demeanor. All things, I am told, are quite desirable in a mate. And this is what I based out dinner conversation on. The conversation became less vibrant after that, and April was muted in her responses. I observed these behaviors and assumed there must have been something wrong with the food, which of course there was not, but I requested the waiter bring her something new anyway. She did not eat any of that, though.

It was at this point in the date that I realized that I was perhaps a little too blunt and impersonal in my approach. As I relayed the story later to my sister, she not only agreed, but added that I was being downright rude. “Rude” was not quite the word she used, it was something more profane, but I failed to get a proper definition from her.

The night ended quickly after that. I attempted to apologize for my bluntness, which she politely (if ingenuously) accepted. April continued to be polite for the remainder of the evening until I saw her home. I attempted to salvage the evening by turning the conversation to her education and my interest in science, without being too leading as to my true knowledge of the subject, but the attempt was ineffective.

Consider it a failed experiment. t is too bad really, as I did quite like April, as human females go. I certainly hope it does not affect my sister’s performance in school.

Dating

2010-12-16T00:34:00.001-08:00

My sister has been pestering me for almost as long as we have been here to engage in human mating rituals, more commonly known as dating. Therefore, I have finally agreed, perhaps against my better judgment, to go on a date.

The chosen female, whom Madison has vetted herself, is a teacher at her school by the name of April. I have met her once, under the pretense of picking Madison up from school, as I have previously mentioned she was grounded. This was, I became aware, all a rouse by my sister to meet April in attempt to get the two of us to socialize. Being a student of humanity, I was of course intrigued. However, I have the impression that April was more inclined to interact in a friendlier manner.

I have to admit, April is quite attractive for a human, but I wonder how this can go considering I am not in fact human. How can I explain my alien origins to her, and should I? More importantly, what exactly am I supposed to do on this date? My understanding is that coffee or drinks is common. More standard is dinner and a movie.

I do like to cook dinner, but Madison explained to me that the first date should be in a more neutral location. (I suppose this implies there will be a second date at some point.) This date is supposed to be tomorrow night, so we shall see how it goes.

Rain

2010-12-05T22:50:00.001-08:00

When I was researching ideal weather conditions for the mission that brought me here, I believed that the southern California region of North America to be the most suitable location. It has a temperate climate, generally sunny and warm for the needs of a human body, whereas most locations have more drastic seasonal change. This also means that while most locations around the northern part of this continent are experiencing a more seasonal snowfall, we get rain.

I realize 70 percent of this planet is covered by water, which is impressive for most planets, but the rainfall here can be quite unpleasant. My sister enjoys it, having never experienced precipitation of any kind before we came here. I find the idea of rainfall appealing. However, rain here is treacherous in a way I could not anticipate.

It seems to change the behavior of most humans, making them disagreeable, irrational and dangerous to be around. They completely forget common principles such as operating machinery in a cautious way on slick surfaces. So much so, I would say, because the larger the vehicles they are driving, the more recklessly they use them. At first I thought that there was perhaps a malfunction in the system whereby the vehicles and roads communicate to each other as to the most efficient transportation speeds and routes, but they are somewhat behind on this technology.

This fact does not stop them from blaming their vehicles for the causes of the accidents that I have witnessed occur. Fortunately, I have not been in any myself, but I shall stay indoors. Hopefully, the unpleasant weather will lift tomorrow.

Also, my sister’s detention is thankfully over. It was only meant to be two weeks, and for both of our sakes, I am glad I set that limit. The weather forcing us to spend so much time together inside has almost become unbearable. Madison has gotten far too human, and I believe I may be as well. Perhaps this weather really is affecting us, but a new week to give us some break from each other’s company will provide some relief.

The Great Feast

2010-11-29T19:28:00.001-08:00

This weekend, my neighbor was again kind enough to invite me to the most magnificent feast. I even suspended my sister’s detention.

From my understanding, the feast, called Thanksgiving, is a traditional celebration by this nation’s conquering settlers whereby they honor the vanquished with the sacrifice of a very large bird and consumption of various dishes. I imagine the tradition is similar to the hunt of the feral Gingubous Beast by the Argoths of Kar. I have seen that beast, and it is a fire-breathing razor-toothed menace of the Outer Rim. The turkey, while large enough to heartily feast on, is not quite so impressive as a target of sacrifice. I imagine there is some loss in the translation over the years.

The feast itself was an absolute delight—bread stuffing, mozzarella mashed potatoes, corn pudding, sweet potato pie—all traditional dishes, I am told. For my own part, I was eager to contribute a recipe for Risotto I have wanted to try out. It has certainly gotten me thinking about more possibilities in the world of food. Perhaps my favorite part of this holiday was the continuous coverage on the Food Network with more new ideas for cooking.

Now, we are entering an entire “Holiday season” during which more of these feasts will be prepared. I greatly anticipate this season.

Detention

2010-11-21T13:29:00.001-08:00

I have placed my sister in Level 3 Detention. You may be more familiar with the term “grounded.”

She should know better. I know our progenitors raised smarter younglings, but Madison was out far past her agreed curfew last night with some human boy whom I have yet to meet. She has become so accustomed to living as a human that she forgets that she is not one. She trusts her classmates too much.

I must take some of the blame. Since we arrived and it was clear that I must take charge of her, I have laid down rules, but I have given her too much freedom.

“But it was just a date,” Madison insisted to me. “All human teenagers go out on Saturday nights.”

That may very well be true, but I reminded her that she is not an ordinary human teenager. She is only posing as one. I must press upon her the gravity of losing sight of that. She loves the humans too much, and she forgets how dangerous they can be.

“You love the humans too,” she reminded me. I may, but that does not mean we should stop being appropriately cautious.

This prompted an argument that lasted quite late into the morning in which she insisted that I do not care for her to form any attachments to the humans because I have been unable to. That is not a fair statement. I am simply looking out for her wellbeing. Who knows what dangerous things young human males are capable of? We are protected as well as can be, but humans are rash. The secret of our alien origin aside, she could be in any sort of danger from this boy. Teenage males of this world are brimming with hormones that make them out of control.

My sister insists that this boy, Nick, is a good guy and would never hurt her. It turns out that this Nick fellow is that same neighbor with the band that threw the noisy party not too long ago. I threaten to talk to his parents, but Madison is already irrationally angry and will no listen to any reason regardless.

I have to let it go for now. Madison is grounded for the week, and I believe that is punishment enough. I could forbid her from seeing Nick, but what little I know of teenagers tells me that will do no good. I will have to keep an eye on them, though. My sister is becoming rebellious, but I may be able to deal with that. This boy Nick is the one I am wary of.

Angry Birds

2010-11-18T00:00:00.001-08:00

Since my sister convinced me to get a “smart” phone, I have come around to enjoying many of the recreational applications available for it. My current enjoyment comes from an application called “Angry Birds.”

The birds are apparently angry because untrustworthy pigs have stolen their eggs. Like any noble species, the birds are willing to sacrifice their own lives in order to destroy the dishonorable pigs and gain back their precious eggs and, presumably, their own honor.

I understand this is a game of fantasy, but I find it an intriguing commentary. Perhaps the humans are onto something with the development of the species around them. Birds, most birds anyway, appear to be noble yet easily angered creatures, and from all accounts that I can tell, pigs are much less honorable. There are certain things about the pigs that remind me of humans.

My sister has been reading a book in school called Animal Farm, which she and Douglas have insisted I read. From what I understand, it is also about a pig uprising. These humans may sharper than I give them credit for.

Still, pigs are not as sinister as squirrels. It would not surprise me if squirrels were behind this uprising of the pigs all along. It may be a good idea to attempt contact with the birds.

Squirrels

2010-11-14T16:01:00.001-08:00

You cannot trust squirrels. Of all the various species on this planet, I hypothesize that squirrels are the most nefarious. I have very little evidence to back this suspicion up, but I have that twinge of feeling that humans call a hunch. Perhaps it is their uncanny resemblance to the Guild Founders on Sagittarius A, but perhaps it is unfair to stereotype.

Certainly, they appear friendly enough, even cute by earth standards, but if you look closer, they are untrustworthy thieves at best, and much smarter than they are letting on.

All I know is, I was enjoying a relaxing day of golf--a game that my neighbor has been kind enough to introduce me to--and we were regularly vexed by the presence of squirrels. Since the point of golf is to hit a very small ball with a large club across a great distance in attempt to land it inside a hole, the challenge is always to find the ball after hitting it. I am not exaggerating when I say that on approximately half of the holes, we spotted a squirrel attempting to or successfully stealing one of my balls.

Yes, now that I think, each time they went after my ball. If they failed to steal a ball, the squirrel or squirrels (as they sometimes traveled together) attempted to steal something else out of our cart, including a bag of corn snacks, which I have become quite fond of.

I am quite unsettled by the notion they are targeting me because they may have learned the truth that no one else around me has discovered yet. However, I am further unsettled by the thought that, as my neighbor James said, "They do this all the time." He insisted I not take it personally, but should the case be that the squirrels are not personally attacking me, it can only mean that there is a larger conspiracy at hand.

If they steal that many golf balls or other items from patrons of the course on a daily basis, where do they take them? I have theorized that they must dwell close by and underground.

Also, if their lair is big enough to house all that, and they are clearly smart enough to outwit recreational golfers on a regular basis, what else could be down there?

I must study the squirrels more.

All Hallows Eve

2010-10-31T18:30:00.002-07:00

An interesting phenomenon is occurring today. I was concerned I would have to invoke emergency evacuation protocols again. Starting a couple weeks ago, my new friend the television began warning me of a coming cataclysm in which, from what I could understand, the dead would rise from their graves, and all manner of creature would rise up against the humans. In all of my studying, I could not find the creatures described except in human mythology. That is, until I discovered it is all mythology.

This is a day, my sister tells me, people celebrate the dead of this world by dressing up in all manner of costumes, pulling pranks, and seeking out candy. It is quite a concept. When most people I seem to encounter are very concerned that their appearances remain plain and conservative in relation to the standards of this society, this holiday give them a chance to “let loose” as they say. Even my neighbor is having a gathering today and has encouraged me and my sister to come and dress up. If only he knew that we are already dressed up.

Madison is a willing participant, as she is with most human activities these days, and encouraged me to go in costume. I considered for a moment, attempting to take my natural form, but I worried about that. So, I am dressing up in green as a “Martian.” My sister calls it irony. Again, I apologize to any noble warriors of Mars that might take this as an insult.

Laughter and Romance

2010-10-27T00:01:00.001-07:00

As I watch more television, I have questions I do not seem to understand. There are certain programs, as I understand it, that are “live,” as in they are currently happening, such as new programs and some of my dear cooking shows. These programs seem to exist with the purpose of some interactivity, though it baffles me because there is no way for me as the viewer to respond to any of the people in these programs. As accomplished as I feel at learning to grill up a marinated pork roast, I feel rather silly talking back to the television.

Which brings up another thing. Some of these programs I am seeing have random bits of laugher echoing from the screen, yet I can see no one laughing. For instance, thanks to my sisters sudden interest in the males of this planet and her insistence that I should “date,” I have attempted to study more on this local notion of romance. Thus, I was watching this interesting romantic program called “Mike and Molly,” which concerns from what I can understand the only two large people who live in a city full of small people, and said couple’s genetic necessity to copulate. It all seems to make perfect sense except their mating ritual is continually interrupted by laughter coming from some unseen people. From where does that laughter originate?

Perhaps these laughing people are unseen because they are so small, thus their need to ridicule even larger people. This is sad to me because Mike and Molly seem to be quite pleasant people. I still do not have a grasp on human comedy. I am sure there is some humorous element I am missing, but then I was trained to be an analyst. Madison understands human behavior much better than I do. Still I do not understand where the laughter could be coming from. I certainly hope these unseen ridiculers do not suddenly surround me.

In other developments, my sister has been “seeing” an as yet unnamed human boy. According to Douglas, who has become quite a reliable source of information to my surprise, Madison has gone on several dates with this boy, including spending time with him after school. I do not like it, and Douglas seems almost as concerned as I am. For the time being, I can trust him to get to the bottom of this.

Television

2010-10-19T23:00:00.002-07:00

One aspect of human culture I have not talked enough about, but deserves much more attention particularly because of its breadth and influence where I have taken up residence, is television.

I have particularly enjoyed watching the Food Network due to my newly found interest in cooking. More recently, I have expanded my knowledge on the workings and content of this device that is, I believe affectionately, called the “idiot box.”

Thanks to my recent illness, I was unable to do much cooking, so I turned to other channels for entertainment. My sister is enamored with the program “Dancing With The Stars”. Dancing is, of course, a universally shared activity for many species throughout the galaxy, but for bipeds encumbered by their inability to fly, humans have a greater variety of dances than I anticipated. It is a testament to their creativity. It is also a testament to their hormones, since most every dance seems to be part of some mating ritual or another.

I am impressed with the sheer volume of programming that is produced for television, and after being sick for over a week and unable to do much else but watch television, I am further impressed by how hard entertaining programming is hard to find. Yet, everyone watches. “Glee” is quite entertaining, though. I do not get the sense from my sister that there is quite that much singing in her high school, but I am curious what goes on over there.

To digress a moment, I suspect this boy she went on a date with this past weekend is in some kind of musical group. That seems to be the pattern, but she will not answer any questions on the matter, insisting I need to get a girlfriend of my own. Again, I do not see the logic.

I have also become introduced to Video On Demand. They may seem the same, but movies are quite different from television. Curious by how humanity must think of extra-terrestrial life, I have listed a queue of movies on the subject. “Alien” being at the top of the list alphabetically, is quite amusing. Apparently, humanity thinks that we aliens have nothing better to do than to attach to their faces, turn them into symbiotic hosts, then burst from their chests only to continue to hunt them for food. The whole acid for blood thing is quite unfortunate also. I imagine, the poor Aliens from the movie do not get invited to many sporting activities.

I will continue to watch on. I am hoping to learn more about the human space exploration program “Star Trek”. Of course, I will always go back to the Food Network. I do still like that Giada De Laurentis.

Teenagers, Part 3

2010-10-17T22:19:00.001-07:00

Human bodies are too frail sometimes. Not as frail as, say, the salt people of Canis Minor (they dissolve instantly in water), but still frail enough to become unwilling host to any number of microorganisms. In this case, it was apparently a common cold, but the conventional nature of this virus did not prepare me for the endless coughing and mucus coming out of my nose.

I still blame Douglas. To be fair, I should take it easy on him, as Madison keeps reminding me. It may not entirely be his fault, but schools are the perfect breeding ground for these viruses, and teenagers, with their propensity to mingle socially, are the perfect incubators. Madison was sick as well last week, but she got over it much quicker than I. She got it from Douglas, Douglas got it from his friend Raphael, and Raphael got it from someone in gym class because apparently something is going around. I questioned why none of these children were quarantined for such a highly contagious virus, but my sister assured me that the common cold is not enough to warrant a student to be forced to stay home from school. That did not keep her from trying, of course.

Still, I cannot hold it against Douglas. He was quite helpful in suggesting remedies to cure my ailment. Chicken soup was one of the more interesting ones. My initial mission training on humans included several vitamin needs as well as pharmacological remedies, but chicken soup was considered to be a mere placebo. It worked quite effectively, though. I must run further tests. Douglas has actually been quite helpful, so I must add him as an interview subject.

It should be noted, that Douglas and my sister Madison are not, to use the common parlance, dating. They are only, as my sister keeps reminding me, “just friends.” However, my sister did have a date last night with some mystery boy. She was not out past her agreed upon curfew, but I do not like it. A date on a Saturday night can only be trouble.

I must discover who this date she had was. I do not like him.

Sickness

2010-10-03T17:21:00.001-07:00

I have been waylaid by some illness that is affecting my body in a way I am not quite familiar with. I believe they call it a "cold" though the weather has been unseasonably hot lately. I am told it will pass soon as long as I rest and drink plenty of liquids. Such a curious thing to say, since I cannot imagine how I would drink a solid or a gas.

I hope to be back up around soon. How I contracted this disease is a mystery, but I am still suspicious of Douglas.

Teenagers, Part 2

2010-09-25T15:29:00.001-07:00

I still do not like Douglas.

Madison has been spending time with him every day after school this week, and I am sure it cannot be just for this chemistry lab they are working on. Madison can do these equations in her sleep. She could work out cold fusion in her sleep.

Perhaps, that is it. He must be onto us in some way. I would not be worried if the government was after some secret of ours. They already have anything useful, at least anything they could wrap their minds around. But this boy, he is too curious. I do not believe he is, as my sister calls him, "a nice guy." No, he is up to something. If he has not figured out who we are, I fear he soon will. And then what will he want?

She is supposedly seeing him again tonight. It is not a date, she tells me. She said she is going out with friends. However, I am sure this boy is involved. I can hear that little hidden excitement in the tone of her voice. She has only been in this human school two weeks, and already it is happening.

This is a date. With Douglas.

I do not like that boy.

Teenagers

2010-09-21T23:35:00.001-07:00

My sister brought a boy home from school today. I did not like him.

His name is Douglas… something. She said he was her lab partner or something, and they had to study for class. I do not see why they could not do this in the library at school instead of in her bedroom. And studying advanced chemistry helped by listening to music meant for dancing?

He is a very curious boy, this Douglas. Kept asking questions—How did we like the neighborhood? Where did we live before we moved here? Isn’t it impressive that Madison is the youngest person in their school taking AP Chemistry?—this last one was more of a statement. I wanted to tell him it would be impressive if my sister was a human teenager, but if he could comprehend that she had the brainpower to map his DNA… but then we are trying to blend in here.

Madison insists that Douglas was just being polite and trying to make friendly conversation. The conversation would not be so friendly if he knew, I had my phased plasma rifle polished and charged right where I could get at it easily. My sister of course thinks I am being foolish, that Douglas is just a nice boy in her class. Nice. What does that word even mean?

Yes, Douglas is far too curious. I shall have to keep an eye on him.

False Alarm

2010-09-15T22:44:00.001-07:00

For a brief moment today, I thought we would be going home.

I got a ping on my com device. I thought it had stopped working. The link to any inter-space communication had long since been severed, and yet it pinged. I had given up getting any signal with the com-link, so I put it away with the secondary protocol tools in the garage, and it took me some time to get to it when I heard the ping. It could have been pinging all day for all I knew.

Once I did get to it, I did not take long to realize it was a false alarm. My sister must have been playing with it. Despite adapting very quickly to being a human teenager, she’s still my kin, which puts her intelligence and skill well above any human. It looked like she had been trying to fix it. In a way, she did. It was fixed enough to perform along the same lines as these so-called “smart phones” so many earthlings are so enamored with.

I will admit, the device does have some useful and entertaining features, so I can see the appeal, but I could not help but be disappointed that the ping was not from the homeworld or rescue or someone else from the lost mission that we may have overlooked. The ping was from Madison, it turns out. She was testing to see if I had gotten her gift, and she let me know she’d be staying late after school.

I am sure she meant well. I had resigned myself to being on earth for quite some time, content to send these messages out into the void hoping someone from home is picking them up. I still hold that hope, but I did not realize until now how much I truly miss home. When Madison returned from school, I had not the heart to tell her how I now knew I felt. She was quite enjoying being here on earth, and she was excited by the smart phone she had created for me. She said it would help with my sociological research, understanding human behavior. And she added there were some “pretty neat” games she could get for me as well. This did sound appealing.

I suppose we are human now, and this is our home. I only just realized it.

Naps and Noisy Neighbors

2010-09-12T20:26:00.001-07:00

I am still getting used to this human body. I keep forgetting the necessity to sleep for 8 out of 24 hours in the day. Madison adapted to that more quickly than anything else I think, and will sleep well past the sunrise. Yesterday, to celebrate her completion of her first week in high school I made a Denver Omelet, a breakfast delicacy I saw prepared by a cheery woman on the Food Network. It was already getting cold, and I had to threaten to dispose of it before she would get up. She said it was the weekend, and she was “sleeping in,” but I believed this is more of that human teenager behavior she was picking up.

Why not be awake for every hour of every day if you could? There is an entire world to learn about out there. That’s how I’m approaching things, but Madison says I’m exhausting myself and I need to relax.

The work I do for income is not very demanding and I can set my own schedule, which at least initially was meant to maintain a low profile. It leaves me more time to continue my research on earth life, which in still so interesting to me, I forget I need to rest. This led me to pass into unconscious for a short time yesterday afternoon.

It was the most unsettling feeling I’ve had since arriving on this planet. I was disoriented, weak, and in darkness. The worst of it was I was panicked that my previous comments about the Martian battle fleet had precipitated an interplanetary incident because I surely was hearing the War Drums of Mars from my back yard.

Fortunately, before I could enter my emergency evacuation protocols, my sister stopped me. She assured me that all I had done was taken an afternoon nap and slept till sundown, and the drums were merely coming from our neighbor’s house, where several of her classmates were having a very loud gathering that she had not been invited to. She seemed upset that she had not been included, but she would not admit that to me.

Though it would have broken protocol, I was tempted to use my plasma ray to “break up the party” as they say, but Madison assured me that a simple call to the local law enforcement reporting a neighborhood disturbance would do it.

She was pleased with that. She was particularly pleased that this particular classmate of hers had not gotten his parents’ permission to have this party, and apparently they were quite angry at him for this.

Once the party had broken up and all was quiet, I decided to try out another one of these afternoon naps, and I awoke an hour later to find myself more refreshed and alert. And I was motivated to attempt another recipe from this book of cooking I acquired this week. Perhaps, I will try more of these naps.

- POSTSCRIPT -
Madison starts her second week of high school this week. She still has not had anything to report to me about it, but I wonder if this is because there is nothing worth reporting or if she does not want me to know.

Barbecue

2010-09-07T23:23:00.001-07:00

Living as a human might not be so bad. I had a remarkable new experience this weekend. Our neighbors invited us to a social ritual feast that is apparently some kind of celebration of the non-working day. They called it a barbecue.

I have never experienced such a delight of consumption of sustenance. You must understand of course, that the biology of my world allows us to absorb nutrients from minerals in the soil directly through our skin, so having to chew and taste food is an experience I am slowly getting used to. Not that I am completely unfamiliar with it. The warriors of Antares, for instance, skin and consume the raw flesh of their defeated opponents to honor them in the afterlife. Other races have been known to heat or cook dead animals so as to tenderize the meat best for consumption. But I have never seen the likes of the preparation and care that goes into cooking the animals of this world.

It is not just flesh, either, but the fruits and vegetables from the earth. All the spices, the different ways to cook—grilling, steaming, boiling, frying—to bring out different flavors. This is all a new experience. There is certainly an ingenious quality to the human mind that it can look at a tomato and think to do anything to it. Of the tastes I was most impressed with at this barbecue was something called Tabasco sauce. A veritable explosion on my tongue. I could drink it by the bottle.

Up until now, I have been content to blending protein drinks, which my sister does not particularly care for, but I think I will have to learn more about this cooking. Madison suggested that we pay for cable television, apparently to stay in touch with human popular culture. Anyway, there is one channel dedicated entirely to food! I had no idea there could be such a thing as a cooking program, but here they broadcast different cooking programs all day. (For a culture so obsessed with collecting valuable currency, humans sure like to waste it on things they aren’t even aware of.)

I look forward to learning more of these culinary arts.

Greetings Earthlings

2010-09-05T23:43:00.001-07:00

My sister says I need to get out more. That’s easy for her to say. She’s 16 and about to start senior year in high school. She’s also adapted much more quickly here than I have. Let me explain. My name is Carter, I’m 30 years old and starting a new life in a new place, and I am an alien.

When I say alien, I mean a visitor from another planet, what you would call little green men from Mars. I’m not green of course, and I’m not really Martian either, but for sake of simplicity, let’s just say I am. Though don’t tell that to any of my Martian friends. They’re friendly enough, Martians. Boy, do they like to drink. But they can be pretty mean drunks, too. Lucky for you, they’re about the size of fairy flies because you wouldn’t want to mess with their intergalactic battle fleet.

But don’t worry about me. I come in peace, as they say. I got stuck here as a result of a failed mission to… well, it’s a long story. Anyway just me and my little sister now, and we’re trying to eek out a little life for ourselves.

Madison—that’s my sister—she loves it here, of course. She’s a teenager, at least in earth years, though she is far more advanced than anything she can be taught in some high school. But we have to blend in a little.

It was her idea that I write this blog. She actually thinks that I need to start dating. That’s the word she used, anyway. Dating. She tried posting a profile for me on one of those websites that uses countless parameters of psychological profiling to match you to you’re ideal mate, but what am I going to say to an earth woman? I’m an eligible alien bachelor performing an anthropological study on the mating rituals of humans, and do you mind being the vessel for my unborn spawn so that we can perpetuate my species. No? Well, that charms the females back home just fine.

This blog was a good compromise. I’m supposed to be collecting data on the history and habits of earth creatures anyway. At least, as my sister put it, it would seem like I was talking to someone instead of just transmitting out into the void.

Now, you may be wondering, shouldn’t I be afraid that I’ll be found out by posting a blog about being an alien? Won’t the government try to hunt me down and cut me up into tiny pieces or something? Well, why would they want to do that? Any government Martian hunters that would actually believe me and be interested in me have known I’ve been here long enough, and they’ve got bigger fish to fry. The way I see it, anyone that would read this blog I’m sure would pass it off as a simple piece of fantasy. And any unstable attention seekers that would believe it, wouldn’t know what to do with me if they did find me.

So, here it is. A document of my experience here on earth, and any oddities I find absolutely fascinating about your funny little world. Like humus. I don’t know what it is, but that is some tasty stuff.

Greetings Earthlings, my name is Carter, and I am an alien.